The recent string of sexual assaults in the Medford/Somerville area has women, in a word, terrified. According to news reports, a man in a red van or truck has been forcing women into the vehicle at knifepoint and raping them. One of the more recent attacks happened during the day, at a bus stop. It makes sense that women would want something more effective than “awareness” or those ridiculous whistles to repel predators. Something like mace or pepper spray.

And yet, Massachusetts is one of only two states, with New York, that make women jump through hoops to get defensive spray: in order to purchase it in this state, you must apply for a Firearms Identification (FID) Card, the very same authorization that allows you to purchase a machine gun. A fucking machine gun. The application costs $25 and processing takes approximately three weeks. In Somerville, where many of the recent attacks have occurred, you can only apply on a Tuesday or Thursday after 3 pm. Once you are approved for the FID card, and only then, can you purchase pepper-defense spray from a licensed firearms dealer.

But why go through three weeks of intensified fear and paranoia when you could enjoy grassroots support from . . . the hunting community. We’re not talking rifles and Charlton Heston. We’re talking bears.

For approximately $20 and a mere three-to-five days of waiting for a UPS package, you can call up any reliable hunting catalogue and order a can of bear repellent, designed to keep grizzlies from mauling campers like trout-flavored zoo snacks. (These companies will ship to Massachusetts, without restrictions.) The active ingredient? Capsicum, a derivative of hot peppers. It’s probably not too surprising, then, that the active ingredient in pepper-defense spray is Capsicum as well. What’s that, you ask? Why, yes, bear repellent and pepper-defense spray are the Exact. Same. Thing.

So while you can’t legally defend yourselves from rapists without a permit, ladies, you can defend yourself from bears. And damn it, those things get to be a problem round these parts, especially in the summer. Hint. Hint.