An American Carol: The Funniest Conservative Comedy of All-Time

Thank Satan that those scum-sucking liberals run Hollywood. If creative feats were left to righties, then there might be more flicks like An American Carol, which I saw last night. You might ask why I would endure such pain – especially since The Phoenix already reviewed the unanimously (although conspiratorially) panned conservative comedy. The answer is twofold: 1 – I was called out yesterday for alleging that the David Zucker (of Airplane! fame) film wasn’t funny even though I hadn’t seen it; and 2 – a quick Google search revealed that Boston's Young Republicans were congregating at Loews for a screening.

On my way down I was hoping that the film had already been exiled to DVD; not because I think it can swing voters, or because I didn’t genuinely want to see it, but because buying tickets promised to be more embarrassing than purchasing that Coldplay disc for mom last Christmas. But upon arrival I realized that the trip was worthwhile; where else in Boston could I spy on a herd of nerds whose high school rejection inspired them to loathe those of us who think, drink and fornicate liberally.

I spotted the awkward looking persecuted neo-cons as soon as I walked in, which forced me to conceal my pad and pen; these people don’t much like press these days, and I’ll eat shit before I get beaten by a swarm of preppies on my own turf. That said; there was one uncharacteristically wicked hot chick with the group who I presume is a talking head in training. One overweight couple also walked in with armfuls of candy, but, while they appeared to be generic couch potato rednecks, they left after the first 15 minutes.

Once inside the theater, the audio cut out for a minute during a snack bar commercial, which fueled the first round of forced laughs when one attendee suggested: “They’re censoring our sound.” That one got the kind of “Ha” chuckle that simply indicates one’s understanding of a joke’s intention; not the sort of “Yee-Has” that express sheer enjoyment. This continued through the entire evening.

Carol is stocked with conservative Hollywood heavyweights including Jon Voight, Dennis Hopper, and Kelsey Grammer, as well as crack house leftovers who would take gigs fluffing for Monsters of Cock (I would provide the link, but it’s pretty awful stuff). Among the Z-listers: David Alan Grier, Paris Hilton, some guy who does a deplorable JFK accent, Gary Coleman (no joke), that guy who played Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore, and Chris Farley’s brother, Kevin, who plays the cleverly named Michael Moore caricature, Michael Malone.   

Of course there’s some hilarity; one rip at the beginning suggests that too many Arabs are named “Muhammad;” that’s when Carol is at its best – when it’s deliberately anti-intellectual and even hateful. Farley also plays a decent Moore, even though at times it seems like he’s playing his big brother. Beyond those merits, this is a remarkable hack job; even the absurd premise – that documentary filmmaker Malone wants to abolish the 4^th of July because he hates America – was likely jacked from Mr. Show with Bob and David’s classic “America Will Blow up the Moon” sketch.   

In order to save you the long-winded synopsis of this Pro-Life abortion, which you can get here in Ty Burr’s excellent review if you’re interested, I’ll instead identify the underlying themes and lessons in An American Carol:

-Michael Moore is a fat shit who can’t go eight minutes without inhaling pizza.

-Documentary filmmaking as a genre is a complete joke; especially ones that are about Nazism, McCarthyism, or any other topics for which the verdict has clearly been decided on.

-If it were up to Michael Moore – and everyone else who believes that Iraq was and is the wrong war – America would have never fought the Civil War or World War II.

-Foreign dictators only understand strength.

-Columbia University professors are hippies in disguise who are bent on “indoctrinating an entire generation to hate their own country.”

-Michael Moore is a complete failure; such a failure, in fact, that Zucker made a feature film to ridicule him.

-Bill O’Reilly is fantastic at playing himself playing that bigot-bating rabble rouser who he plays on air.

If Dennis Miller wasn’t proof enough that even funny dudes lose comic steam once they turn right, then Zucker is the deciding factor. Homeboy deployed every brand of comedy to hammer home his point – from slapstick and satire to musical numbers and flagrant mockery – yet few succeeded (apparently some maverick producers are calling for a costly humor surge in the sequel).    

I’m sick with curiosity about whether notable screen heroes such as Hopper, Grammer, and James Woods (yeah – him too, sorry) would be useless if not constantly surrounded by Tinsel Town semi-rationalists. In the end, the most chuckle-worthy thing about this debacle (at least for me, since I didn’t know that Voight is a Republican) was realizing that even Brad Pitt has a conservative asshole for a father-in-law. The only other highlight that I enjoyed was how, near the end, when faced with the choice between death and patriotism, Michael Moore finds his conscience and seeks redemption from the true Americans who he regrettably smeared en route to notoriety. The crowd seemed to like that one too; probably because it reminded the Reaganites of the real-life Lee Atwater story.