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The pornography of pharmacology

You’re considered a ’zine pioneer. Did the writing and publishing of Pagan’s Head influence how you work on writing today?
The big theme I see looking back is that I’ve always been interested in self and how we construct self. Like in Black Livingstone [Kennedy’s 2002 New York Times Notable non-fiction book], William Sheppard created a self that was almost impossible in the 19th century. I wanted to explore how he got from point A to point C, from Jim Crow to a pith helmet. How do you do that? What is the cost to yourself and how do you construct a new idea of yourself. The ’zine was about me constructing a new identity in my twenties. I’m sort of over that myself. But I just did this book [The First Man-Made Man] that’s perfect for my obsession. What remains the same when you go through huge identity changes? Are you realizing some self? Are you changing? Is there a core? I’m really able to examine those questions in the novel, to get at stuff that bothers me about being a human.

What bothers you?
The enormous loss that you’re experiencing at every moment. I hate it when people say “remember when you did this,” and you have no idea what they’re talking about. It shows how unreliable your own sense of self is, how you’re living this big fiction, and the one thing you want to hold onto is so slippery. The idea of the pill is a way to hold on to some sense of self, to anchor yourself. But the pill ends up not doing that.

In some ways, I felt that the pill was also a way to sort of stave off death, particularly with the character of Sue, who’s using the pill as she’s dying of cancer.
I began to think about if you had only a week, what would you do? If you could just be in this fantasy, would you do that, or would you face it? And what is your real self in that situation? Is it the person in bed dying? Or is it the person you used to be in your best moment? It gives dignity to the dying person, it’s finding some way to maintain that best self instead of becoming a person wracked in pain and not able to hold onto their own identity. I was talking to a doctor who does palliative care. He said that even people who are okay with dying, all of them want one more day. What if you could pick a really great day to go back to instead of a shitty day in the hospital?

Would you take Mem if you were in Sue’s position? Are you afraid of dying?
I know what it’s like not to be born. But dose me up. I don’t want to feel a thing.

Who are your influences these days? Who are you reading?
Lately I’ve just become such a fan of non-fiction. Malcolm Gladwell. Susan Orlean. I love Ann Patchett. She’s jumping back and forth between fiction and non. Richard Yates -- he’s still kind of this cult figure. I’ve always loved genre-benders. Robertson Davies who’s got this gothy side to him. I’m just reading Motherless Brooklyn, and it’s amazing. Jonathan Lethem is breaking down genre barriers.

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