Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have recently developed strong feelings for an old friend, and she has returned these feelings. We have gone on a couple of good dates, but there are a couple of issues surrounding this relationship. First, she just got out of an abusive two-year relationship. Also, her best friend is my ex-girlfriend, but we haven’t dated for about four years. Should I talk to my ex-girlfriend about this issue (with the permission of the new girl) or should I leave it alone?
My new love interest and I have talked about this. She has come to the conclusion that there is just too much “drama” going on, so she just wants to be friends for now. I told her that was fine, but I want to “keep the door open” once she has worked out her issues. She said she agrees, because “you never know what is going to happen in the future.” My question is, how should I take this statement? How can I keep things from getting to the point where our friendship would keep us from pursuing a more intimate relationship?
_J.K.
Dear J.K.,
She is telling you rather obliquely that she is not currently ready to have an intimate relationship with you. If she has just emerged from an abusive relationship, jumping into another relationship is not a good idea. You should back off and let her make her own judgments and decisions about her future.
Get a grip
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I recently met a girl on the Internet. She is wonderful. We have everything in common, she makes me feel happy, and she’s adorable — she’s just everything I always wanted and thought I’d never find. There is a problem, though. After telling me a month ago that she was 19, she revealed to me that she’s only 16, and that she’s in love with me. I’m feeling those old familiar feelings as well. I’m apparently her first love, but just how genuine is that love? And what the heck am I supposed to do with the feelings I’ve developed for her? She may not know what true love is, but I do. And I’m feeling it. I’m completely at a loss. I can’t just walk off and leave her. But I’m 20 years old. I can’t develop a serious relationship with a 16-year-old girl, can I? I really need some help here.
_Without a Clue
Dear Without,
Dr. Lovemonkey feels a very strong impulse to emulate Don Corleone in the first Godfather movie. Johnny Fontaine is wringing his hands about a movie role that would be perfect for him and how the studio head will not give him the part. The Don grabs him by the shoulders and screams in his face, “You can act like a man!”
My variation for you involves Don Lovemonkey yelling, “You can act like someone with more than a double-figure IQ!” I get the sense that you have never met your Internet friend. If so, you don’t really know her. This is not “true love,” but a shared fantasy. She lied about her age. Think she might have lied about anything else? (Like being a 42-year-old FBI agent who is about to put you under arrest?) Internet relationships are not even close to real until you both spend time as real, not virtual, people.
Email the author
Dr. Lovemonkey: rudycheeks@prodigy.net
