The “mostly” label
BIF, 23, 19 previous partners (15 M, 4 F), 8 sets of group-sex partners
Even though Riley is confidently bisexual, most people would assume she is “mostly straight” simply because her last two committed relationships have been with males. “When you’re dating a guy, most people just think, ‘Oh, you’re heterosexual now.’ But when you’re dating a girl, it’s still okay to be bisexual.” Even her current boyfriend of two years teases her about the distinction. “He’s actually made the joke, which has gotten us into a lot of fights ... that since I have dated predominantly males for the past four years, he’s been like, ‘Well, doesn’t that make you heterosexual with lesbian tendencies?’ ”
It doesn’t. Riley has slept with a total of 15 men and four women but insists that she’s leaned more toward women than men since childhood. In high school, her first and second kisses were both with boys, but the third was with a girl. “We were all really drunk at the tail end of a party, and someone was like, ‘I dare you to make out with her.’ And so we did and it just didn’t stop for the rest of the night. Then, by the end, it was me and her and two other guys — and it turned into this foursome make-out session. It was amazing.” At 18, she lost her virginity to her best male friend, whom she was seeing along with his girlfriend at the time. Not long after this, Riley “dated” another couple in Western Massachusetts. She visited and slept with them intermittently for two years. In total, Riley says, she’s had group-sexual experiences with eight sets of people.
What makes things even more confusing for Riley is that not only do all of her former female partners now identify as “straight” (perhaps preceded by the word “mostly”), but two of them don’t even count her as a lover, which is “kinda painful sometimes.” She says, “The weird thing about lesbian sex is there are different ideas of what sex actually is.” Riley believes the difference between messing around and actual sex with girls is mutual oral — a reciprocal act that in her mind doesn’t have to be completed in the same sexual encounter.
To Riley, bisexuality means more than having the propensity to want to get naked with either gender: it also means having the potential to forge romantic connections with both men and women. Girls who fall into the “mostly straight” category aren’t usually romantically available to other women. And so Riley, while navigating those where-is-this-headed conversations with her current boyfriend, really can’t imagine getting married to him or to any other guy. “Honestly, I always saw myself ending up with a woman,” she admits. “But now, as I get older and I see how my feelings are, I see it can go either way.”
“In an ideal world, the gender-binary idea would be obliterated and everybody could just do whatever they wanted,” she adds. “Why even have to put a name to what you are?”
The virtual bathhouse
GM, 20, “Upward of 35” previous partners
Do a search for “Harvard” in the men-seeking-men category on Boston’s Craig’s List during the academic year, and you’re likely to find more than 100 postings. During exam period this past Monday, there were 160 different ads, one of which cheered, “Yay! Finals are over, now fuck me.”
