Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My best friend broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, and since I have always had a thing about her, I’m thinking about asking her out. I’m concerned that he might get pissed, even though they are now pretty angry at one another. What should I do?
_Up In the Air
Dear Up,
If this is your best friend, discuss it with him before doing anything. Feel him out on the situation. Maybe he has strong feelings about this, and maybe he’ll deny it. You’ve got to be able to read his feelings. If you sense that he’s uneasy about your idea, you might want to back off because this could jeopardize your friendship.
Lost in oblivion
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
About a year ago, I married a man whom I really loved and had been living with. We lasted five months as husband and wife, and I haven’t really dated since. My weekends are a blur of drink and it is not conducive to meeting anyone. Mostly, I just stay home now. Although in therapy, I have been extremely depressed and have a lot of repressed anger about the failure of this relationship. The loss of trust in someone you held dear is not something I would wish on anyone. I am 31, and after numerous adventures going out to meet others, my mind’s eye sees this badly dressed car salesman hawking the glories of life with him. I know that time heals, but I really have to find a way out of this self-defeating attitude. Your advice is appreciated. Thank you for listening.
_T.L.
Dear T.L.,
Sometimes people who have long been involved with each other start behaving differently after making a formal commitment. It sounds like your ex-husband was one of these types — someone who, rather than seeing marriage as a natural progression, viewed it as a major change. You can’t always predict such reactions, but at least you realized that his attitudes were not in line with yours.
You are going through a phase that, intellectually, you wish to be over, but which you are still feeling deeply and emotionally. This is also normal, though excruciating. And you are right — with time, you will heal. Try to not be too preoccupied with the recent past, and focus instead on the future. It’s understandable that you have been going through a period of self-doubt and negativity. Embrace the words of the Bard of Savannah, Johnny Mercer, and “Accentuate the Positive.”
Some harm, no foul
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have just broken up for the third time with the same woman. There were several reasons for our demise: differing goals in life (hers are travel and living abroad, while mine are settling down and possibly starting a family); a considerable age difference (13 years); and her unwillingness to commit to our relationship.
We will nonetheless find ourselves on the same campus next summer, with the same cast of characters who have watched the melodrama of our on-again, off-again relationship for the past two summers. How can I face her and my fellow classmates with a certain degree of dignity? I'm almost 40 years old, and feel a bit foolish at the moment.
_Lovelorn
