The most intriguing item on sale at the site, however, is some one-on-one time with the great man himself. “For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female,” Gallo writes. “The fee covers one evening with Vincent Gallo. For those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fee is increased to a mere $100,000. Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way, Jose.”
And caveat emptor: “Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels.”
Well, that’s a big-ticket item in more ways than one. But it’s not the only fun to be had for those with deep pockets. For 80 years, the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book has been showcasing “fantasy gifts sure to satisfy those seeking the ultimate in gift-giving as well as practical shoppers with luxurious taste.” In other words: shit you can’t afford.
Sorry, if you were hoping to gift your galfriend with a Limited-Edition 2007 BMW M6 Convertible ($139,000), you’re out of luck — it sold out in less than two minutes back in October. But you can still purchase your own backyard water park, complete with “26 interactive water columns, maneuverable cannons, spray faces, water games, and ground sprays” (starts at $100,000). Or, for a gift that’s quite literally out of this world, try the Virgin Galactic Charter to Space ($1.7 million), a trip for two to 63 miles above sea level, complete with weightlessness. Upon reentry, astronauts will enjoy “luxury accommodations on Necker Island and four nights of all-inclusive festivities on Sir Richard Branson’s private island retreat in the British Virgin Islands.” (No word on whether the red-bearded billionaire will be there himself to ensure you don’t steal the silverware.)
Or perhaps an actual trip to outer space is a little too dear? Then allow your loved one to live out his or her fantasies here on earth with a fake signed photo of Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin from the Yuri Gagarin Fan Club. Who cares if he was a Rusky? The guy was the first man in space! And anyway, it’s free.
Mike Miliard will not be accepting Christmas gifts this year. He can be reached at mmiliard@phx.com.
