Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I’ve been seeing a man for the last year or so (he is 44, and I am 35). We started as friends just spending time together and have developed a very close bond, in which we are comfortable enough to tell each other anything. While we typically spend the weekend together, and I know he is physically attracted to me, we have never had sex. For him, he says, sex signifies a commitment that he doesn’t know if he can make. Recently, he told me he has been in contact with a girlfriend from 15 years ago, and is interested in re-establishing a relationship with her.
She lives in California, has been married and divorced twice, has children with two different fathers, and a number of other details make the whole scenario seem pretty unrealistic to me. Just as we are starting to get more serious, it feels like he’s created this situation to not become more involved. Despite his ambiguity, I fell in love with him a while ago, and truly believe that we are soul mates. Should I ignore his tactics, or should I cut my losses and end any hope of this relationship becoming deeper?
_Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Doctor Lovemonkey suspects you are writing because you know the answer, but need a little bolstering. The bond you feel for this man is apparently not as strong for him. This is a bad imbalance. Whether he has any serious intention of pursuing a relationship with his ex-girlfriend is beside the point. For whatever reason, he’s not willing to open up to you. Move on. This guy doesn’t know what he wants.
Widen the net
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I’m a single, 18-year-old high school grad going to college in September and am a member of the local volunteer fire department. Last summer, a girl joined the team at one of the other stations and we instantly became friends. She is 23, and I knew from the start it was a long shot — since she had a boyfriend — but I still wanted to go out with her in the worst way. Over the winter, I learned that she broke up with her boyfriend, and we became closer. But then she started going out with our lieutenant, a trusted friend of mine, so I knew it was totally over. Now she is leaving to go to college out of state. Should I tell her that I like her? I feel that I may risk losing her friendship, as well as that of the lieutenant’s.
_Lovesick Firefighter
Dear Lovesick,
That she is leaving town is not the primary consideration here. More germane is the status of her relationship with the lieutenant. Your challenge is to find this out. Do you have reason to believe that they have parted ways, or that their relationship has become non-exclusive? If they have parted ways, then, obviously, the coast is clear. If they have moved into a non-exclusive phase, the situation remains pretty thorny. He would expect to see her when she’s home, and telling her of your feelings would only cause confusion and potentially damage your friendship with one or both of them.
Email the author
Dr. Lovemonkey: rudycheeks@prodigy.net.
