In my last relationship no one wanted to hang out with us. Which wasn’t surprising because we didn’t even want to hang out with us. In fact, friends started becoming more and more remote as the drama of being around such a tense and volatile relationship began to feel insufferable. We’ve all been around these relationships, the ones that exude tension and ‘just had a fight’ vibes, the ones where the woman has clearly been crying just before you see her, and the man is tense and overly jovial. Suffice it to say, we sometimes made friendships on our own as if we were still single people, but we never made couple friends.
Now, strangely, and for my first time, Cowboy and I have couple friends. People who actually seem to like us and want to spend time together. Maybe this has something to do with us getting engaged and the perceived threat appearing to be less because we’re being ratified by the culture at large? Maybe this is just the natural human progress, and we’re just getting older? I like to imagine it’s because we’re fun, interesting people and that because we actually get along it’s pleasant to be with us. But maybe I’m substituting my hopes for the natural progression of human lives. According to my friend V. who is now married and has two beautiful children, everything in the world changes and suddenly your friends revolve around couples and then children and family. You could be John Cheever, with both male and female extramarital affairs going on at once, and still everyone would actually want to be around your marriage.
But would it be weird to say that couple dates are like just safe dates? That maybe it’s kind of like you’re dating again—everyone gets to laugh and flirt and joke just like being on a new fun date only you’re not because your fiancé is sitting right next to you?
There is, however, the warm and lovely feeling of having other couples over for dinner, or going out to a movie together. There is a balance that feels fun and like everyone’s winning somehow as the gender and personality pairings seem to naturally happen. And also, somehow, as we choose our couple friends it’s like we’re choosing our future and what we stand for and who we are.
And somehow as we choose this future together, our single friendships that are not the most tenacious or important to our lives begin to fade and it feels harder and harder to make plans with the person you think is really nice and interesting, but somehow doesn’t fit into your calendar of things you do as a couple.
A friend recently told me about her fortieth birthday party where someone asked her how it felt being forty with no kids and no husband, and she looked around the room full of couple friends and thought ‘these people don’t have a place for me anymore.’ I can’t imagine ever feeling that way—impatient with my single friends, the ones going through all the shit I went through for years on end just to trade it in to go through the shit you go through as a couple. Things get easier, sure, because you’ve got someone to be your buddy, someone who has to listen to you raving and crying at 4 am about your mother. But the world can still make you feel alone and hurt and angry and stuff still comes up because we all come to even the best relationships with all our own personal baggage.
