Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My letter is about my daughter, who is 18 and headed for college in the fall. About five months ago, she sparked up a friendship with a personal trainer 10 years her senior at the gym she goes to. While this was presented to her mother and me as a “friendship,” it appears to be quite a bit more. My concern is how this man (whom I genuinely like and really cares, I believe, about my daughter) is not just too old for her, but divorced and the father of a 4-year-old daughter. She has had little experience in serious relationships. I don’t think she is ready for this, and I have told her that I don’t want her to see him any more, but she continues to see him. What can I do?
_Concerned Father
Dear Concerned,
There’s very little that you can do. She is 18, an adult; and she will have to make her own decisions and take responsibility for her own life at college. You have told her what worries you, and she has made her decision. All you can do is to let her know you love her and are supportive of her, but still think this is not a wise relationship. She will make choices in her life, and that is what she should be doing. If she makes decisions that you consider dangerous or morally wrong, you can refuse financial assistance, but hopefully, things will not become that dire.
Just say no
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My old boyfriend, who I was with for six years and with whom I broke up about eight months ago, is suddenly back in my life. We broke up because he cheated on me and lied about it. But I found out and that was it. He stopped by a couple of weeks ago just to see how I was doing (that’s how he put it). He is still with the other woman — the same one with whom he cheated — but it seems that he’s not too enamored of her and has negative things to say about her. I am still attracted to him. We haven’t had sex when he has stopped over (we just talk), but he does give me pretty intense stares. Why do you think he is visiting me?
_Feeling Vulnerable
Dear Feeling,
Your description implies that you very well know why he is stopping by just “to see how you’re doing.” He’s keeping his options open (or so he thinks), and trying to reel you back in. If he can lie and cheat, and still insinuate his way back into your life, he knows he’s got a sucker here for sure and will come to you anytime he needs to relieve himself of some excess semen. This is bad. He is bad and a chronic user of people. Tell him not to come and visit. If you don’t have the courage to shut it down, set some serious boundaries. Within his second visit after the setting of boundaries, he will attempt to cross those boundaries.
Family ties
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My sister is coming to visit and because my parents divorced and she lived with my mother, and I with my father, we really haven’t known each other. I’m nervous about the visit (it’s only for a day and we’ll go out to dinner) because I really don’t know what to say to someone I’m connected with but really don’t know. Do you have any suggestions?
_Nervous Neddie
