Ooh-la-la
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am 15 and I have just started going with this boy who is really nice. I care for him and everything, but he wants to French kiss, but I don’t want to. He’s not threatening to break up, but he has made it very clear that he is disappointed with me because I don’t want to do this. I really like him and I think that our relationship is going really well except for this one little problem. Do you have any ideas about how I can get him to accept my position without it being a bone of contention?
_A.F. from Warwick
Dear A.F.,
Put together a slide show presentation of what “swapping spit” looks like. This may give your boyfriend pause to push the issue. If this ploy is not successful, appeal to his patriotism. Explain that the popularity of the “French kiss” has lessened severely due to disagreement between the United States and the Republic of France on the legitimacy of the war in Iraq. In fact, you have decided that the more patriotic option is the “freedom kiss” in which one puckers up, and without the use of the tongue, smooches the buttocks of someone who first verifies he or she is a legal US resident. There are extra points for kissing the tattoo of an American flag situated on the buttocks of many patriotic Americans and/or Republicans.
Got germs?
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am 34 and until about two years ago was going out with (to the point of almost becoming engaged) to a man. We split up and just recently got back together. When we were not together, he had sexual relations with a lot of different women. He has been very open and honest about this, but I am concerned about my vulnerability to STDs and also have a vague but bad feeling about all of this. He told me that “it was just sex” and didn’t mean anything. Am I just overreacting?
_Feeling Uncomfortable
Dear Feeling,
You are not overreacting at all. From Dr. Lovemonkey’s position, you deserve a person who seems (as you do) to put a value upon sexual intimacy. And, yes, your concern about STDs is totally valid. It would seem to Dr. Lovemonkey that you and your male friend have vastly different values, and your continued relationship is probably a recipe for disaster. I’d move on and seek someone who is on a similar wavelength.
Send questions and romantic quandaries to rudycheeks@cox.net.
