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Dance, Monkey: Susan Alexander

Comedy

Dance, Monkey: Lisa Lampanelli

Lisa Lampanelli

How do you feel about kitty cats?
Any guy who owns a cat is a fag. But I do love Hello Kitty. I love the Japs.

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You appeared on a talk show with Simon Cowell once, right? What does he smell like?
I love him. He smells like Stetson cologne and ass. He smells like British ass. But it smells really good. He had on a lovely robin’s-egg-blue cashmere V-neck sweater when I met him. Wait, that might be in my fantasy. He’s so cute. I totally wish I was banging him.

You’ve done a lot of friars club and Comedy Central roasting. When the time comes, who do you want to “roast” you?
I hope they roast me before [Don] Rickles dies so he can take a shot at me. There are two kings of the roast: me and him. That old Jew is on his last legs, but he’s still got it, comedy-wise. I want him and Howard Stern to be there. You always want the people who you look up to to be there. Needless to say, no Carrot Top.

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