South of the border
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I got this really great job a couple of months ago. In the meantime, a friend was able to arrange a freelance photography job for me in Brazil. I’m really excited about going, and have never been to Rio, but I don’t think I can get away with claiming on my new job that I have been sick for a couple of weeks and then show up with a tan. Do you have any ideas on how I can pull this off?
_A.S.
Dear A.S.,
When you come back to work with a tan, explain that you were undergoing a “race change” — a unique surgical procedure wherein you will no longer be a whiny Caucasian, but rather a proud African-American. Most likely, you will get your ass fired, but you will become an immediate legend in the office and could, perhaps, write a zany off-Broadway play detailing your foolish attempt at deception.
Beauty on a budget
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Do you know anyplace where I can get a safe liposuction treatment for under $500?
_Carrie
Dear Carrie,
No, but there are a variety of ways in which you can get very unsafe and downright dangerous liposuction for such a cut rate. Go to an atlas and look up “Mexico.” Or go down to the local Job Lot and ask for their most powerful industrial-strength vacuum cleaner.
Communication breakdown
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote the guy I’ve been with for the past few years a break-up letter, more or less. It was not mean-spirited or anything, but it had to be painful. After he got the letter, he apparently shared it with a mutual friend and then told that friend to “say hello” to me from him. But he asked that friend not to tell me that he had shared the letter’s contents with him. What is it that he wants from me? Is he just trying to hold on to our relationship? Should I call him up?
_A Bit Confused
Dear A Bit,
He doesn’t sound like he’s trying to hold on to anything. He just shared with a friend that you were splitting up with him, although, at this point, I have to wonder about your mutual “friend.” Your ex explicitly asked the friend not to mention their conversation and the “friend” immediately told you about it. This is not a trustworthy friend. On the other point, I don’t detect any attempt by your ex of trying to hold on. It sounds to Dr. Lovemonkey like he’s just dealing with the situation in a reasonable way.
Got chunks?
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have what I believe is a unique eating disorder. I vomit whenever I hear the music of Celine Dion. I’m not sure why this happens. What do you figure?
_Involuntary Lunch Blower
Dear Involuntary,
I have just been stricken by a similar malady and can not stop urinating on your letter, obscuring what may prove to be vital elements in your missive. Ahhh, that’s better. It appears that this is your letter in its entirety. While I am unfamiliar with your “disorder,” it does sound eerily similar to something that was known in my youth as “Ethel Merman Syndrome.” Besides avoiding the music of Celine Dion, you should always carry a Tupperware container in which to casually barf when no one’s looking. To more directly answer your query — “What do you figure?” — I figure that you should never write to me again.
Send questions and romantic quandaries to rudycheeks@cox.net.
