Expensive dame
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A month ago I was introduced to a young woman, and I have taken her out twice. The first time, I brought a bouquet of flowers, and we went out to dinner at a fairly upscale restaurant on the second date, and I brought flowers and a cute stuffed bear. Since then, she has expressed some disappointment with the gifts. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to please this woman. Do you have any advice?
_Bob
Dear Bob,
You are probably right. You will never be able to please her, because Dr. Lovemonkey’s suspects that she is a rude and spoiled jerk. I could be wrong, though. There are a couple of ways to go with this. Take her out again, bring no gifts, and insist on bread crusts and water. Or go the opposite route: invite her to dinner and bring a brand new Cessna light plane wrapped in a giant bow as a gift for her. My best advice is to dump this bonehead and scour the seedier bars for a low budget replacement.
Platonic retreat
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I’m 17 and have never had a romance or dated. Not that I’m against it, but I’ve never been that interested. I’m hetero and I have a lot of good male friends with whom I like hanging out. But I’ve never come close to meeting someone that I’ve fallen head over heels for. I look forward to that day, but my life is fine right now, and I don’t feel I’m missing anything. Before one close male friend left for another part of the country, he started trying to get close. He plans to come back for part of this summer to see his friends, and while I don’t want to lose his friendship, I don’t want him to think that a romance will ensue. We e-mail each other all the time. Should I pull back a little? Should I tell him I’m not interested?
_H.F.
Dear H.F.,
I’m starting to think that there should be two Dr. Lovemonkey responses: one, from the actual Dr. Lovemonkey, and the other from my evil twin. As you undoubtedly know, evil twins have all the fun, and in this case, he suggests that, rather than facing responsibility, you should dissuade the guy by dressing really butch and acting like the most stereotypical lesbian you can imagine (think “critical intersection of Rosie O’Donnell and Joan Jett”). This could really confuse him. The more bland Dr. suggests letting your friend know that you do not desire a romantic relationship. You should do this on the telephone, if at all possible. Yes, there is a possibility that your friendship will suffer, but your honesty will gain you respect.
Wrenching matters
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My wife refuses to have sex on Wednesdays. I don’t know why this is. She gives me no reason — she just says no. What should I do?
_Larry
Dear Larry,
By my count, there are six other days of the week. I think you know what to do. The evil twin suggests that your wife will not have sex on Wednesdays because that’s the day she has sex with somebody else. I, of course, disagree and would never want to plant such a thought in one’s head.
Send questions and romantic quandaries to rudycheeks@cox.net.
