Fashion: Zubaz Pants
Imagine, if you will, the perfect piece of apparel for the lower half of the human body. It would be elastic of waist, given our collective tendency to pack on the pounds. As for the thighs, they’d be generously cut — due to possible weight gain, yes, but also because it’s just more comfortable that way. The ankles? Tapered, natch, to prevent inefficient friction between the wearer and his environment (and between the pant legs themselves). The fabric, meanwhile, would be lightweight, airy, breathable. Because it gets hot in there, damn it. On to the aesthetics. The animal kingdom’s most splendid denizens see no reason to be modest. So why should we? Screw muted tone and textures — give us multiple colors, patterns that bewitch and bewilder the eye. Are you concentrating? Then you know the end result is more than a mere pair of jeans or corduroys. It’s something, instead, that delivers an emphatic message: “Here I am, world — and here are my pants!” Lo, it is a pair of Zubaz: conceived in the late ’80s, proudly worn by Arena Football players and the young men who emulated them, and then — quickly, unjustly — consigned to history’s ash pile. If you chance upon a pair, in a thrift store or your parent’s basement, snatch them up and wear them — not timidly, not ironically, but joyously. Your legs and groin will thank you. — Adam Reilly |
