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A kiddie-diddling riddle

Dr Love Monkey

Fight's on

Fight’s on
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a neighbor who supports a different presidential candidate than me. The problem is how he has taken to berating me about my choice. I try to respect our differing political beliefs and to avoid confrontation, but this person seems intent on being confrontational. After berating me, though, he thinks we are buddy/buddy — as if politics and public policy is just a big game in which you can act rudely and then act like it’s all a joke. How can I deal with this person?
_L.D. in Middletown

Dear L.D.,
You are wise to avoid confrontation, because a person who behaves like your neighbor is beyond salvation. The only thing I can advise when dealing with a monkey like this is to pour praise on your neighbor’s most over-the-top statements about your candidate. For instance, let’s say he suggests, “Candidate X doesn’t know a thing about the health-care system or foreign policy.” You should then respond, “You know, I never thought of that, but you must be right. I guess I’m so committed to having a complete moron elected that I’ve never really considered having a partial moron, like your candidate, elected. But it’s too late now and I must follow my principled stand to support the worst possible candi-date.”

Get real
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
There’s this really hot woman (age 19) who has lived in my neighborhood for three years. We are pretty good friends and have talked about sex a bit. She’s told me that, although she’s not against sex before marriage, she would prefer to save herself until she has found the man she wants to marry. As a healthy hetero guy, I have been trying to subtly convince her that she is being unfair to people like me. Why should such a completely beautiful woman keep her charms to herself? How can I convince her that there’d be nothing wrong with having some fun with me?
_Eric

Dear Eric,
Your belief that beautiful women somehow owe it to you to have sex reflects delusional thinking. This woman shows great judgment. No one has an “obligation” to have sex with anyone that they do not want to have sex with. That should be obvious to anyone who is capable of walking for more than a few yards on their hind legs. Dr. Lovemonkey believes you are a very special kind of “swinger;” one who might be scampering about on all fours, foraging for nuts and berries, and generally swinging freestyle from a tree with your tail.

Pop this
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I overheard a fascinating debate recently concerning the appropriate way to eat popcorn. One person claimed that you should only take one piece at a time from the bowl, while the other claimed it was acceptable to scoop a number of pieces with one hand, and then eat them one-by-one with the other hand. Where do you stand on this?
_A.A.L.

Dear A.A.L.,
I am headed toward your tree, sporting steel-toed engineer boots. I do not believe for a minute that you eat from a bowl.

Send questions and romantic quandaries torudycheeks@verizon.net.

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