There’s nobody else I can ask about this, so I hope you can reply. I’m a straight woman in my mid-forties. I’ve been married for more than two decades. Ten years ago, my husband’s already low sex drive disappeared altogether. He won’t talk about it. I know he’s not having an affair.
I ran into an old lover and we had an amazing one-afternoon fling.
Realizing I couldn’t live without sex any longer, I told my husband (nicely — it is hard to say things like this to someone you love) that I didn’t think he cared what I did, and he didn’t disagree. (I didn’t tell him about the fling.) Now I’ve met a gentleman who is sweet and kind and attentive. He is married and in the same situation I am. Discretion is absolute, and we play safe. When we make love, I can’t believe I waited so long.
This relationship has made me happier than I’ve been in years. I feel alive and healthier, and all those little daily annoyances bother me less. Coworkers have remarked on how “well” I look. Is there anything wrong with what I’m doing? Is there anything wrong with me that I am not feeling guilty?
— Frustrated No More
You have nothing to feel guilty about, FNM.
Your infidelity, your discretion, and your compassion are saving not one but two marriages. While your actions fall short of the romantic ideal of marriage, your marriage falls short of that ideal — and so does your lover’s marriage. You’ve both accepted your imperfect spouses for who they are, and your imperfect marriages for what they are, and you’ve made the kind of imperfect accommodation that allows many passionless but otherwise valuable marriages to survive. In a case like yours, FNM, infidelity can be the loving, responsible, marriage-salvaging choice. Stop feeling guilty. Enjoy.
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