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A kiddie-diddling riddle

Dr Love Monkey

Dr. Lovemonkey: Trouble calling

TROUBLE CALLING

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a 27-year-old woman who has been happily married for two-and-a-half years. Before I got involved with my husband, I went with a guy we'll call "Joe." We went together for only a short while. It was not what I would consider a "serious" relationship. Joe and I were co-workers; I was initially interested in him but he was going out with someone else and showed little interest in me. When his relationship hit the rocks after about six months, Joe and I started a casual relationship. This lasted for a year or so and sort of petered out. I am now happily married. My husband knows that I had this relationship but is unconcerned as we both agree that our past was our past and we are focused on the future together. About a month ago, I got a call from "Joe" at my office (he lives near Chicago, I'm in Rhode Island). We just talked generally about our lives and he has continued to call three or four times a week, always to my office and always just these casual and friendly calls. I have a feeling that if I told my husband about these calls, he would not be pleased. Also, I am feeling a bit uneasy about this whole thing. My question to you is, do you consider this cheating or being unfaithful to my husband? I'm not certain about this, but I am feeling uneasy.

Uneasy Rider

Dear Uneasy Rider,

I wouldn't consider your phone conversations to be a form of unfaithfulness, but your own reaction to them should tell you something — that your old friend "Joe" is not just calling to chat. He may be halfway across the country, but they've got these things called airplanes that can change things pretty quickly. I think that you sense that "Joe" is trying to get back into your life. You don't want that, you don't need that, and I would suggest that the next time he calls you tell "Joe" that you really don't have time to spend talking to him on a regular basis. Wish him well and tell him you really would like it if he stopped calling you.

HUNG UP

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have received a number of emails about penile implants recently. It's not that I have such a small dick, but I'd like to have it be really big. I'm thinking about responding to one. What do you think?

Looking for More

Dear Looking,

Without even checking, I'll bet your dick is more than adequate. I'm no psychologist (in fact, I have no medical knowledge of any kind), but I'll bet you weren't ruminating on the size of your dick until you opened up that unsolicited spam email. Dr. Lovemonkey says, stop thinking about your dick and stop opening spam emails. Both will only lead to trouble. If you choose to ignore this sage advice, however, and foolishly search for a bigger dick, Dr. Lovemonkey suggests that you purchase the biggest dick available. If you're lucky, you will be able to stretch it all the way around your buttocks and then sit on it. Even if this does not attract work for you in the world of the regional carnival (a vocational choice that would probably make sense to one who opens spam emails about big dicks and considers responds to them), it should prove to be personally edifying.

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