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A kiddie-diddling riddle

Dr Love Monkey

Dr. Lovemonkey: Commitment-phobes, rude dudes

STUFF IT

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend of a year and a half, "Bill," recently asked me to move in with him. For the most part it's been good, but there's one problem. When I moved in, "Bill" told me he was ready to take the next step toward honesty and openness, and he wanted to share something special with me — his childhood stuffed animal collection. Since his confession, he has been adding to his collection. We have a king-sized bed, and "Bill" lines up the animals whenever we're intimate. I know this is stupid, but I feel like they're watching me. I'd like to talk to "Bill" about this, but I feel silly mentioning it, especially since I know the stuffed animals are so important to him. Any advice?

J.L.

Dear J.L.,

You won't mind if Dr. Lovemonkey shares with you that he has placed your question in the "dubious" file. Obviously, "Bill" knows that his collection and the line-up routine are weird and unusual. That's why he talked to you about taking "the next step toward honesty and openness." Dr. Lovemonkey thinks that there is nothing silly about you talking to him about his stuffed animals and how they became so important to him. Also suggest to him that he may have the raw material for a creepy horror movie here. If you're going to have weird obsessions, you might as well try to make money from them.

ONE AND DONE

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A couple of times in the past year I have met men at nightclubs and been swept off of my feet. I have gone home with them and, although I know that there is not exactly any promise or commitment involved in such things, I have been unpleasantly surprised when they didn't get back in touch with me. Am I right to think that this is rude behavior and that, maybe, there is something wrong with these men? Is there something that I should be doing to let them know that I'd like to see them again?

Trying to Figure It Out

Dear Trying,

You are engaged in an activity known popularly as "the one-night stand." What might, in many social situations, be considered "rude behavior" becomes "par for the course" when operating in the realm of the one-night stand. Instant connections followed by instant gratification are not subject to the standard rules of decorum since this is not courtship, where there are presumed to be rules of decorum. Dr. Lovemonkey is not opposed to the eruptions of naked lust that frequently end in the one-night stand, but he does believe that one should not expect any level of obligation in this context. Most likely the only sense of obligation your male bed partner feels begins and ends with the belief that he has given you a good roll in the hay. This, of course, is a manner of speaking. Actual rolling in the hay is a rather uncomfortable sexual act (as any farmer can tell you). This is why God invented beds. Your interests lie in courtship, which is separate and distinct from the one-night stand. It is rare when the one-night-stand morphs into an actual courtship. A key element of courtship is getting to know each other; succumbing to uncontrollable urges has little to do with getting to know one another. Little in the way of responsible and courteous conduct can be expected from what amounts to a largely irresponsible act.

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