Ultra-classy rapper KHIA, best known for urging America’s ladies to pop their anatomies and America’s men to lick her “crack,” is fixing to put me out of a job. Earlier this month, she published a rampaging all-caps review of a new album by her rival TRINA (of “No Panties” fame) that will probably go down in history as the funniest piece of music journalism ever crafted by a human being. I’d love to spend this entire column just reprinting quotes from the review, but you’ll have to make do with a few choice snippets:
“I HIGHLY RECOMMEND . . . STEROIDS AND DONKEY MILK!!!! CUZ HO YOU LOOK LIKE U ON UR LAST TRIMESTER . . . ”
“YO FEET IS CRUSTY AND YO WIG IS DUSTY AND YO HEAD LOOK BIGGA DAN YO BODY!!!”
“KILL URSELF HOE!!! HANG URSELF!!! BITCH!!! JUMP OUT DA WINDA AND CHASE UR CD DAT I JUST THEW OUT AND GET RUNNED OVA WIT IT AT FULL SPEED!! BITCH, IM DRAGGING BY DAT DUSTY ASS WIG . . . SO HOLD ON TO DA BUMPA AND GET THEE BEHIND ME.”
Lyricism. Pure poesy. How like the gentle breeze upon an Aeolian harp . . .
O, AARON LEWIS of STAIND! How I long for the grumbling girth of your acoustic sadballadry! Yes, do it! Take a break from Staind to release a ponderous solo album of weary strumming! Oh, please, let it be so!
The near collapse of Bear Stearns was troubling enough, but now another mighty financial powerhouse has fallen: BEZ, the legendary halfwit dancer for early-’90s Madchester heavyweights the HAPPY MONDAYS, has filed for bankruptcy. If an apelike, semi-coherent man best known for almost kinda being in a band 15 years ago can fall on hard times in today’s economy, how are we the less accomplished to feel safe?
Beef review: 50 CENT & YOUNG BUCK’s scuffle plays like a rerun of 50’s 2005 bout with the GAME, but without all the fresh star power and dramatic gunplay that put that one in the national spotlight. A howling yawn all around, with a dismal, noncommittal dis track from Buck and a tepid 50 interview that lands few punches. Alas, we can expect no deaths to result from this dreary outing.
BILL COSBY’s plans to release a hip-hop album made news all over, but it’s my sad duty to report that, since the Cos won’t actually be rapping, it’s not nearly as rad as it sounds.
And in news that will definitely make Bill Cosby pretty uncomfortable: NAS is delivering on all the promise of his new album’s title (Nigger) with a new track, “Be a Nigger Too.” I guess he was worried that people were getting a little desensitized to the controversial title, so he decided to up the ante. The chorus, amusingly borrowing the Dr. Pepper jingle: “I’m a nigger, he’s a nigger, she’s a nigger, we some niggers, wouldn’t you like to be a nigger too/To all my kike niggers, spic niggers, guinea niggers, chink niggers/That’s right, y’all my niggers too.” Fortunately, he seems to know what he’s doing.
