Because of an unforeseen medical emergency and resultant procedure (spleen removed, more spleen installed), “Big Hurt” columnist David Thorpe was unable to furnish his regularly scheduled column to the Phoenix this week. In its stead, the editors have opted to run a small compendium of assorted early writings and juvenilia culled from an archive kept deep below our headquarters (in a steamer trunk once used to protect Ric Ocasek’s many identical wigs from moisture).It is our hope that, from this glimpse of the writer’s earliest output, readers will gain a clearer understanding of his æsthetic and be able to approximate more closely for themselves the unique critical perspective he brings to the world of contemporary music. Our best wishes for your speedy and full recovery, David.
“i have a dog. our dog is named yazz. he is brown and likes to run in the park. i love my dog yazz because we play together and when kokomo or johnny hates jazz comes on in mommys car he barks real loud so i never have to hear kokomo or johnny hates jazz. when we go to the mall he gets mad and growls at the scary dead lady at sam goody so i know never to go to sam goody or listen to nitzer ebb or something bad will happen. i miss yazz because mom says he went away last week when he tried to eat the long box that her bon jovi cd was in. i hope yazz never hears new jersey or kokomo in the dog heaven or he might growl and get in trouble for growling in heaven.”
— excerpted from two-page handwritten report titled “My Pet,” September 1988
“Dear Principal, I want to say sorry for what I did in school today. I didn’t know the divinyls song was about what Nurse Kathy said it was about until she told me when I was waiting outside your office and now I think I know and I’m super sorry. I also am sorry for wearing my pants and shirt backwards because I thought that was allowed in school. I am also sorry that my backwards shirt said Kill Uncle because I like my uncle and I didn’t know what that meant. I am also sorry for yelling A MOSQUITO MY LIBIDO at Mrs. Carruthers when she asked what my family’s summer plans are because I didn’t know what that meant either. Today is the worst day. I’m sorry. P.S. Is your son named Jesus?”
— from an apology letter to Principal Edward Jones, September 1991.
dear kelly, do you not want to talk to me anymore because i sent you another email after you got mad at me for trying to feed your dogs the oasis cd and you never responded and I just wanted to see if you were still mad at me. i didn’t mean for snoop to cut his mouth on the jewel case and my dog died that way so you gotta believe i didn’t mean it. i thought maybe if snoop ate wonderwall maybe later it would come out better. i feel really bad, worse than when mom told me madonna was gonna be eva peron.
— from a Hotmail message to Kelly Davis, September 1996
Emily Bronte’s book Wuthering Heights is the tale of a bunch of people with colds getting jiggy with each other at two houses on a lonesome heath somewhere in England, probably pretty close to where the Verve lives. The thesis of the story is that you get knocked down, you get up again — nobody can keep you down. For example, the main character Heathcliff has a hard-knock life like Jay Z, getting treated very badly by the people at da Heights, despite being a ghetto superstar because of his dark features and mysterious background. Before long, the karma police pay a visit, and Heathcliff gets rich, marries some shorty named Isabella, takes over da Heights, and is like “can I get a what what” meaning revenge on those who kept him from his biddy in the first place.
— excerpt from “Bittersweet Symphony: Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights,” October 1998; grade: D+
In conclusion, I can think of no other place I’d rather get my academic freak on this September than Yale. Despite my fluctuating GPA and admittedly spotty disciplinary record, I believe that odds are put in front of us so that we might overcome them. I believe in the power of hope. I believe in change and reinvention. Jennifer Lopez is acting now; Peter Frampton just won a lifetime achievement award; Huey Lewis and the News are reuniting; Guns N’ Roses are back on stage; I’ve even heard that Chris Cornell is forming a new band! For these and probably some other reasons, this is an exciting time to be young and entering the world, and it’s hard not to believe that, barring some sort of crazy disaster, America’s is a culture on the up-and-up.
— excerpted from a college-admissions essay, March 2001 (was not accepted)
