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SUGE KNIGHT | Rap’s favorite big terrifying evil guy was dealt a humiliating blow this month: Death Row Records, the historic label that he founded, drove all the talent from, and ran into the ground, has been auctioned off for a mere $24 million — and he won’t see a penny of it. (Well, he might see a penny of it, because that’s a lot of money, and statistics suggest that at least one penny of it will one day circulate into his possession, but let’s not think too hard about this.) All the cash will be used to pay outstanding debts incurred during a lifetime of malfeasance. The new owners, meanwhile, lucked into a cache of 20 still-unreleased tracks by “dead” rapper Tupac Shakur. (Still thinking about the penny thing.) VERDICT: SONNED.

NATE DOGG | The singer/rapper was, it’s reported, arrested for “terrorist threats” last week, but this isn’t nearly as awesome as it sounds. I was hoping for something like that Coup album cover from 2001 where they’re blowing up the World Trade Center that would kick off some big First Amendment hurly-burly that we could all get a lil’ chubbed up about. Turns out he was just menacing his estranged wife with death threats and driving recklessly. If that’s terrorism, shit, you might as well lock us all up. ASSESSMENT: HERB.

LIL WAYNE | The noted goblin and disputed Greatest Rapper Alive has announced plans to add fine alcoholic beverages to his repertoire of talents. Rap news site Ballerstatus.com (if there were any justice in this world, that domain name would be mine) reports that Weezy is “dabbling in the world of champagne” — which is much more amusing if you take it literally. I don’t think I need to know anything more about this story; the image of Weezy in a glorious, sparkling world of champagne, coquettishly dipping his toe into a huge flute and creating little golden eddies of bubbly, is more than enough to run my motor for a few days. Perhaps Birdman is there too, and they’re about to kiss, but then they turn away from each other all shy-like. BALLER STATUS: HOT FIRE!

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Comments
Re: The Big Hurt: Winners and losers
You'd probably prefer I be sarcastic and put you down, but this is exemplary journalism--kind of like Lester Bangs meets John Stewart. No, really. I learned a lot.
By gordon marshall on 07/14/2008 at 1:48:34

[ 11/29 ]   "Night Song"  @ St. John's Episcopal Church
[ 11/29 ]   Wynonna  @ MGM Grand @ Foxwoods
[ 11/29 ]   Mountain Goats + Final Fantasy  @ Wilbur Theatre
[ 11/29 ]   Phish  @ Cumberland County Civic Center
[ 11/29 ]   John Fogerty  @ Orpheum Theatre
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