To twist an old St. Patrick's Day joke a bit, "What's one-mile long with an IQ of 50? A Hollywood red carpet walk."

P&J were glued to the set in the Boom Boom Room Sunday for the Golden Globe Awards and its pre-event preening, as film industry stars and other assorted lizards slithered down the famed crimson runway. We have found this viewing exercise the best way to take your skin for a crawl, and we were not disappointed by yet another parade of Beverly Hills' bad-cosmetic-surgery leper colony.

While the midgets with waxed chests who pass for the majority of leading men in this generation put on their best looks of disaffected brooding, P&J were breathless as their female counterparts displayed enhanced cleavage that gives new meaning to the words "Silicon Valley."

Inquiring minds got plenty on the ladies' finery, as they reeled off free plugs for their designer ensembles to the breathless D-list fashionistas sticking microphones under their bobbed noses: "My dress is Givenchy, the shoes are Jimmy Choo, jewels from Harry Winston, and personality disorder by psychoneurotic anxiety."

Your superior correspondents always gravitate to the E! Channel, the wannabe all-gay network, for such an extravaganza. Their red carpet rats, bringing us the show in its full glory, included Giuliana "Rancid," whose reason for existence remains a mystery, sporting her John Boehner-esque QT tan; Ryan Seacrest (see "Chests, midget, and waxed," above); and some castrato in a tuxedo whose name we missed, but whose next job had better be voicing Minnie Mouse in a Disney flick or LA casting directors are missing a trick.

Thankfully, once all the rhinestone cowboys and the Madame Tussauds-faced señoritas were herded into the ballroom, host Ricky Gervais took the mickey out of a room full of egos so inflated they needed to Astrolube the doorjambs to fit their heads through.

Most amusing, however, were the shots of the celebs in the audience during his routine, most of whom seemed offended that anyone would dare try to ridicule them publicly or were so removed from reality they were looking for someone to explain the humor to them.

So hats off to the pride of Hollywood for delivering just the goods we were expecting — to the point that someone during the telecast was heard proclaiming in all seriousness that buffoon Kevin James is a "comic genius." Take that, Gervais!


A PLACE FOR JOHNNY L.?

Since P&J think former GOP state representative John Loughlin is a hell of a good guy, we can say we're glad he pulled out of the Republican Congressional primary, where he would have faced former state police superintendent Brendan Doherty, to their mutual disadvantage.

While Loughlin was serving with the Army in Iraq last year, Doherty lined up some very heavy hitters for his campaign — many still behind the scenes. And while Loughlin had the Republican caucus at the General Assembly (discount memberships available!) and a bunch of municipal party cells on his side, that simply wasn't going to cut it against the Doherty team.

John has already done the right thing, and if Brendan the Brave prevails — beating incumbent Congressman David Cicilline, or whoever the Democrats put forth — we would hope he would return the favor by making Loughlin his head honcho in the Little Rhody office. It would be a perfect job for the outgoing and savvy John, and would doubtless further Doherty's stand-up guy public image.

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