Reboot

By AL DIAMON  |  December 26, 2012

(Speaking of Arnold, how about the 180-degree turn his character pulled between the first Terminator movie and the second? Even LePage doesn't need that much spin.)

Of course, fixing LePage has been tried before — he's currently on his third communications director in the last two years, none of whom has been able to control his tendency to say erroneous, stupid, and offensive things in public — but never has it been attempted with the technology and expertise available today. Making the governor lucid, credible, and likeable is going to be nowhere near as difficult as saving the Twinkie, bringing labor peace to the National Hockey League, or repairing the image of Zumba.

It may, however, require psychotropic narcotics and brainwashing techniques that make A Clockwork Orange look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Once LePage's natural tendency to antagonize people has been suppressed, elements of a new personality can be introduced through cerebral implants. I suggest the revised governor incorporate equal parts of the public personas of Morgan Freeman (gravitas, oratorical skills), Penn Jillette (humor, honesty), Stephen Hawking (intelligence, sex appeal), and Dora the Explorer (inoffensiveness, good hair).

After that, it's just a matter of severe dieting, plastic surgery, cosmetology, Olympic-class physical training, elevator shoes, and a Dale Carnegie course. The new LePage could be ready before the Legislature adjourns in June.

Or we could just hire Schwarzenegger as his stand-in.

Try to change my mind by emailing  aldiamon@herniahill.net.

< prev  1  |  2  | 
  Topics: Talking Politics , Jon Stewart, Susan Collins, Jack Reacher,  More more >
| More


Most Popular
ARTICLES BY AL DIAMON
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   IT'S THE MONEY THAT MATTERS  |  April 16, 2014
    The average Maine voter, defined for purposes of this column as someone closely resembling me, has concluded that the current legislative session has been a disaster.
  •   GREEN BEHIND THE EARS  |  April 10, 2014
    Outside of an infestation in Portland’s city government and a sprinkling of midcoast activists protesting stuff that probably won’t happen anyway, the party isn’t really part of the debate.
  •   FOLLY OF YOUTH  |  April 03, 2014
    We now know what’s to blame for the decrepit condition of Maine’s economy.
  •   RETURN OF THE KING  |  March 28, 2014
    Democrats in the Maine Legislature need either John Martin or Vladimir Putin.
  •   FRIENDS FROM OTHER PLANETS  |  March 20, 2014
    The night skies over Maine are alight with glowing objects bringing in big-shot reporters, this time to inform earthlings that Democrat Shenna Bellows has a real chance of knocking off Collins.

 See all articles by: AL DIAMON