Reboot

By AL DIAMON  |  December 26, 2012

(Speaking of Arnold, how about the 180-degree turn his character pulled between the first Terminator movie and the second? Even LePage doesn't need that much spin.)

Of course, fixing LePage has been tried before — he's currently on his third communications director in the last two years, none of whom has been able to control his tendency to say erroneous, stupid, and offensive things in public — but never has it been attempted with the technology and expertise available today. Making the governor lucid, credible, and likeable is going to be nowhere near as difficult as saving the Twinkie, bringing labor peace to the National Hockey League, or repairing the image of Zumba.

It may, however, require psychotropic narcotics and brainwashing techniques that make A Clockwork Orange look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Once LePage's natural tendency to antagonize people has been suppressed, elements of a new personality can be introduced through cerebral implants. I suggest the revised governor incorporate equal parts of the public personas of Morgan Freeman (gravitas, oratorical skills), Penn Jillette (humor, honesty), Stephen Hawking (intelligence, sex appeal), and Dora the Explorer (inoffensiveness, good hair).

After that, it's just a matter of severe dieting, plastic surgery, cosmetology, Olympic-class physical training, elevator shoes, and a Dale Carnegie course. The new LePage could be ready before the Legislature adjourns in June.

Or we could just hire Schwarzenegger as his stand-in.

Try to change my mind by emailing  aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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