Fifi published a typical rant on The Daily Caller recently — a piece ThinkProgress' Zack Beauchamp and Ian Millhiser rightly called a "bizarre, paranoid screed." The authors pulled some of the most offensive and preposterous lines from LaPierre's frothing rant, which P&J would like to highlight in case you are a member of NRA and think you are being well represented by your tough-talking, but barking mad Veep.
• "The border today remains porous not only to people seeking jobs in the U.S., but to criminals whose jobs are murder, rape and kidnapping." Get your application here, right Fifi?
• "After Hurricane Sandy, we saw the hellish world that the gun prohibitionists see as their utopia. Looters ran wild in south Brooklyn. There was no food, water or electricity." Well, that sure sounds like utopia. Just don't shoot a unicorn.
• "Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Riots. Terrorists. Gangs. Lone criminals. These are perils we are sure to face — not just maybe. It's not paranoid to buy a gun. It's survival. It's responsible behavior, and it's time we encourage law-abiding Americans to do just that." Especially if you're white. And please, help out by shooting at hurricanes and tornadoes.
• And for the capper, the Orwellian, "We [the NRA] are the largest civil rights organization in the world." The NRA is neither civil nor right.
Now would someone please wipe the froth off LaPierre's chin, put a cold compress on his forehead, give him a Xanax, and put him to bed for few days – or at least until the next putsch?
WHO'S RIGHT, WHO'S WRONG?
Pope Benny Andajets's sudden abdication means the short-notice selection of the next pontiff should be a doozy.
In the coming weeks, there will be more petty gossip, recrimination, backstabbing, and insincere compliments among the cardinals than in an entire season of Housewives of Beverly Hills. (And just as many faaaab-ulous outfits!)
Whomever they choose, P&J are most interested in the transition. Is Pope Benny really ready to give up the "cloak of infallibility?" It'd be a disaster if we had two grown men in mitres, silk robes, and Dorothy's red shoes duking it out every time a tough question comes up and the flock is looking for an answer, pronto.
Perhaps Benny will just wait in reserve in case the next pontiff goes off the rails and absolves all the pedos and shirtlifters. Yes, he'd be the perfect man to guide the church back to the good old-fashioned values of hypocrisy and concealment. Whatever the relationship between old Pope and new, they will certainly have to work out a time-share deal at Castel Gandolfo.
Dr. Oldie's right-hand man Jeffrey reminds your superior correspondents that there is an important gathering of "old school" music fans this weekend. The Original Southern New England Rock 'n' Roll Collectors Convention takes place at DiParma Italian Table at the Clarion Inn, 940 Fall River Ave, Seekonk, MA (Exit 1 off Rt. 195), on February 24 from 10 am to 3 pm. Buy, sell, and trade all kinds of vinyl LPs and 45s, CDs, and other memorabilia. Admission is $2; plenty of free parking. For further info, contact Jeff at email@example.com.
Send a fez and Pulitzer-grade tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.