But do you really care about this stuff?

You probably want to know about which school parties the hardest and which one gives you the most bang for your tuition buck. In both cases, the nod goes to our friends downstate at the University of Rhode Island 16 + 17 . (Although, our hats are also off to Salve Regina, which came in at #322 on that same bang-for-your-buck list.)

But let’s not turn our backs on our local Ivy Leaguer, which seems to get top ranking for. . . having the most rankings. Brown University, depending on whom you ask, is either the 12th 18 or 14th 19 best school in America. They’re also the fourth “most hipster” 20 school in the nation. (“Everything we do is ironic,” a student recently told hercampus.com. “We get drunk ironically. We party ironically. Bro tanks are a huge phenomenon over Spring Weekend, but I think it’s only because we like to be ironic about it.”)

And Brown — according to our friends at BuzzFeed, who apparently have a special algorithm for cross-referencing academics and sexiness — also happens to be smartest, sexiest school in the nation 21 .

Johnson & Wales? It’s true that you guys may be the “world’s leading food service educator.” 22 But you’re also the #2 most crime-rattled college in America 23 . Perhaps you should seek shelter at RISD’s Fleet Library, one of the 50 Most Amazing University Libraries In the World 24 .

But don’t puff your chests out just yet, RISD students. Yes, you’re the Best Design School in the World 25 , but your mascot is also weirder than the California State University — Long Beach’s Dirtbags, The University of Arkansas at Monticello’s Boll Weevil, Scottsdale Community College’s Fighting Artichoke, and the University of California Santa Cruz’s Banana Slug. Yes, Scrotie — RISD’s much-larger-than-life-sized walking penis, which can be seen hopping through the stands during RISD Nads (that’s their hockey team) games — is officially the weirdest mascot around 26 .

We’ll let you decide whether that’s good or bad news.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Travel + Leisure, “America’s Favorite Cities” Poll, 2012.

2. Allstate Insurance Best Drivers report, 2013.

3. Telegraph (UK), “Providence, Rhode Island: New England’s Coolest City,” 2011.

4. Travel + Leisure, “America’s Snobbiest Cities,” 2013.

5. Forbes, “America’s Most Miserable Cities,” 2008.

6. The Daily Beast, “The 15 Worst Cities to Have a Baby, from New York to Miami,” 2013.

7. Barna Group, “The Most Post-Christian Cities in America,” 2013.

8. Pornhub.com, “Pornhub’s Average Visit Duration by State,” 2013.

9. Condomania.com, “50 States Ordered by Penis Size,” 2010.

10. CNBC, “America’s Top States for Business,” 2013.

11. The Tax Foundation, “State Business Tax Climate Index 2013,” via Moving the Needle: Rhode Island’s Economic Competitiveness Rankings, 2013.

12. 2011 statistic, via Moving the Needle, 2013.

13. American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials, “2009 Rough Roads” report, via Moving the Needle, 2013.

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