The Season: A Pauly D Christmas

By PHILIP EIL  |  December 11, 2013

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PRODUCT: Talking DJ Pauly D Bobblehead

PRICE: $59.99 on ebay.com

OUR TAKE: There are two plausible explanations for why these dolls are only available second-hand: either they sold out, or some good Samaritan gathered the existing copies up and steamrolled them. We’d prefer to believe in option two.

“But what does the doll say?” you ask.

Three things:

1. “You gotta stay fresh-to-death, I call it fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan, just stay fresh.”

2. “No way I’m goin’ to Jersey without my hair gel, can’t leave without my gel.”

3. “The party’s in Pauly D’s pants tonight.” Seriously, that’s what it says.

 

PRODUCT: REMIX pre-mixed vodka drink

PRICE: $14.99 for a 750 ml bottle

OUR TAKE: The fact that this “Original Pre-Game Cocktail” looks like glow stick fluid didn’t stop hundreds of thirsty Pauly fans from flooding into Walmart stores across the country to have their bottles of Strawberry Holla-peno and Yeah Yumberry signed by the master mixologist himself during his promo tour.

Before you start dry heaving, though, pause for a moment to give thanks. Rhode Island was one of only a handful of states – including New Jersey, Nevada, Massachusetts, Illinois, and Georgia — where this was product was first rolled out in 2012.

Our favorite thing about REMIX isn’t the beverage, itself, but the “REMIX-TIONARY” found a remixcocktails.com. Alongside definitions for “swag,” “holla,” and “RTD (ready-to-drink)” is the following explanation for “pre-game”:

“The activity of DRINKING BEFORE DRINKING usually before going out to a club or a party; often the reason for Pre-Gaming is to get your night started before arriving at the destination; often Pre-Gaming happens at the house. (REMIX strongly encourages responsible drinking.)”

 

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PRODUCT: Pauly D Wig

PRICE: $10.66 on Amazon.com

OUR TAKE: While the product description promises that this hairpiece offers an “upswept look [that] has Pauly’s attitude,” consumers have cried foul.

“This didn’t look anything like the picture, more like a Frankenstein wig. The hair was also too tough to comb so I couldn’t even shape it,” says an Amazon reviewer named “Duke 2007.”

Another says, “Once again, I was totally disappointed in another purchase claiming to be like Pauly D! This does not look at ALL like his blowout!”

And another — username “Not as expected” — reports, “Wig hair was very hard and could not manage once it was on. Also had a weird smell to it.”

Buy at your own risk, folks.

 

PRODUCT: “Back to Love” ft. Jay Sean

PRICE: $1.29 download on iTunes

OUR TAKE: There really isn’t much to say about Pauly’s trademark single other than that it’s a hyper-synthesized, AutoTuned anthem that includes the lyrics “Memories in the breeze are they gone now? Thought that I would be right but I’m wrong now/So many feelings, I miss you just a little to much.” It sounds like the aural equivalent of a shot of REMIX. (In fact, bottles of REMIX play prominently in the music video, which has 1.7 million views on YouTube.)

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