Your superior correspondents generally have no use for Steve “Laugh at Me” Laffey, Republican candidate for the US Senate. But his radio and television campaign ads have so impressed us that we can’t help wanting to be a part of it. First off, they’re all negative, and we can dig that. They also show little regard for truth and accuracy — why, that’s right out of the Casa Diablo playbook!
We put our pointy little heads together and came up with “Startling Similarities,” a great radio/TV spot for Stevie Boy. It would go something like this:
Lincoln Chafee is asking you to reelect him to the Senate, but that would be just like electing Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe to the Senate. Both are beholden to the special interests and too liberal with your money. While Mugabe pockets our foreign aid and has only one special interest, himself, Chafee fritters away taxpayer money on vanity projects like the environment, health-care, and mass transportation. And neither Mugabe nor Chafee have been supportive of President Bush’s brave war in Iraq. And — get this — neither of them likes Dunkin’ Donuts!
Mugabe has a secretary named Chafee, and Chafee once lent bus change to a woman named Ebagum, which is Mugabe spelled backwards. Mugabe is going to be 84 in two years, and Chafee is right around 48. Does this strike you as coincidence? We think not.
We need a totally independent voice in Washington, a voice that is very loud and will make weak men and women weep and quiver and do what he tells them to do. That very loud voice belongs to Steve Laffey, the brave mayor of Cranston. If he can face down the crossing guards, he can face down the Iraqi insurgents, France, and the entire US Senate. Vote for Laffey.
Naturally, the TV spot would have lots of shots of Chafee, cowering in darkened hallways, a doctored photo of Linc shaking hands with Mugabe, and lots of pictures of Steve in front of a US flag. We think this is a winner. Whaddaya think, Stevie boy?
Yorke to broadcast on location
P&J have learned that WPRO-AM afternoon radio host Dan Yorke will be broadcasting on location from inside Governor Don “Laughing Boy” Carcieri’s butt for the next five months. This very special assignment should allow Yorke to continue to promote the governor’s reelection from a very intimate proximity.
Regular listeners have probably already deduced that Dan has been slowly climbing into this very special location for weeks. Plans call for him to stay in there right up until the November elections (disclosure: although our editor makes a weekly appearance on Yorke’s show, we reserve the right to make fun of Dan). While there is limited space in the governor’s nether regions — what with both Kerry King and retired General Reginald Centracchio fighting for space in the same area — Yorke is said to be very comfortable in there, likening it to MySpace.com.
This should lessen any chance that Yorke will get into another brouhaha with John DePetro, his former rival talk-show host, who is expected to spend most of the political season residing inside of his pal Steve Laffey’s buttocks.
The governor, for his part, says he can deal with the discomfort, because, ultimately, it will be a good thing for Rhode Island.