You know, I grew a lot when I was there. I was very insecure when I went in; I was only 90 pounds. They sent me right to Walpole; that was an experience in itself. You learn that anybody trying to help you wants something in return. It’s a fast — I hate to say game, but it’s a fast lifestyle in there. Many people that have been there a long time, when they see you come in it’s game time and they’re all over you, and it’s real difficult. Especially accused of being a child molester, nobody wants to help you at all. You’re on your own. And everybody tries to gain a rep. So the guy who might be scared of his rape conviction coming out will be the first guy to call you a child molester or a diddler. I learned that through time — that the loudest guy is the one who is trying to hide something because he wants to direct attention toward you.
MB: Did any of the other inmates think you were innocent?
Yes. Quite a few of them. A friend of mine who visits me now actually said in group one time, “I’m guilty.” And you know, “I’ve been around other men who were child molesters, and I just know that you’re not. Because you’re not like me or like I was.” And he said, “With you it was different, and it wasn’t your gayness that made you different, it was just, you were more together.” You know, one thing that I noticed in prison with men who’ve committed these kinds of crimes, they’re all about them. It’s like, “me, me, me, me, me.” I have befriended some men who have committed crimes. But there is still is a big part of me, and I’ve said it to them, that will never understand how they could shut off that other person’s emotion of hurt or pain or anguish. I don’t understand — you know, that’s a line that I could never comprehend because I don’t understand it.
Femming it up
MB: Were there openly gay prisoners in the prison? I know that men have sex with men, but were there some that were openly gay?
Yes, there were other openly gay men.
MB: Could you be friends with them?
The sad thing is that a lot of gay men in prison are kind of catty to each other.
MB: So it’s like the real world!
But I always, you know … I guess I have to explain something. In prison, everybody always knew my name. Everybody would say, “hi, how you doin’,” like we were old friends or very good acquaintances, but they knew nothing about me. This therapist one time said, “You’re very good at keeping these men feeling close but yet at two arms’ distance away.” But you know, I … it was rough. I went in; I had long, curly hair. There was a time during that period of my incarceration, where it was easier to play the part. So, if I was the regular mannish/boyish homosexual, that wasn’t good. That would draw mean attention. But if I was very effeminate, dressed very effeminate, did everything I could that was extremely effeminate, that got — a different kind of attention.
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