MB: Were you looking for attention?
There was a part that was safer if I could keep it at a distance. You know, and you could be more playful with it. Someone would say something like, you know, “Oh look, there goes mama.” And you could say, “All right now,” and you’d just kind of go about your way, you know, like, “ Ah-ah, mama’s watchin’.” And kind of get out of the way, you know. But it changed from being sexually harassed to being sexually assaulted. You know, so there was a fine line: how to divert some of that attention was actually by becoming more effeminate. Which sounds weird, but it worked.
MB: Was that weird for you — it sounds like a great survival technique, but was it weird internally for you?
No, I think that all gay men have a very effeminate side, at some point or another. I might have put mine to the max at times, but I’ve seen worse. You know, in the system, where they’re always tying their shirts, you know — I kept it to just enough to get by, you know what I mean? (laughter)
MB: Is there anything in two decades in prison that you haven’t spoken much about publicly that you wanted to share in any way?
I’ve talked about the abuse I’ve suffered in prison before. I don’t think people understand the depths of that. It’s, like, never-ending. And for me, you know, when I was in the system it was twice as bad; when I got to the treatment center it wasn’t quite as bad but it was still pretty bad enough. You have men in the system who are in there not for being good dudes. And uh, deviance runs rampant inside the system. I don’t think people understand the constant torment that goes on, the constant fear of being harassed, or your property taken, or being belittled. And it’s every day, all day long. And you can’t get solace from the officers, because they’re right in there on the same thing.
CT: Do you think it was worse for you as a gay man, more persistent?
Oh, most definitely. Well I think that what happens is that there is a — life inside is different than outside — there is a concrete set of rules. You have a row of the guys that are at the top of the chain, and then you have the guys that are at the bottom. Child molesters are at the bottom. To be a homosexual child molester, you are the lowest of the low. So you are at the bottom of the heap, and — to strive to get out of that heap is extremely difficult, but you are at the bottom for everybody to take a shot at you. And you know, I’ve been beat up a lot, and you know I have fought back at some times. I don’t think people understand how tough and how lonely it can be. When you hear that door lock, you gotta go in at 9:30 at night and all you have is you. You know. (Laughs) You have other outside sources, but you’ve still gotta have you. No matter how much support and how much love you get, you still have to have you, because it’s not going to be enough when that door locks.
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