In times of personal hardship and anguish, Phillipe + Jorge are always the first to offer our understanding and consolation to the aggrieved. It is for this reason that we rally to the side of embattled (as of press time) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, and whisper soothingly in his ear, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?! You arrogant, spoiled brat moron!”
Yes, it was spritzers all around for the enemies, on Wall Street and in organized crime, of New York’s head honcho, who appears to have a zipper problem of Clintonesque dimensions (which is apropos, since Eliot Mess is endorsing the cuckolded Hillary.)
Spritzer showed equal respect for his own spouse, dragging her out to look lost and devastated while standing next to him during the press conference in which he announced his, er, shortcoming. But Spritzer didn’t settle for street comer floozies. He reportedly paid his consort, “Kristen,” a not-so-cool $4300 for his peccadillo, of which $300 was ostensibly a tip. Not only does he have his brains in his dick, he’s a lousy tipper.
Well, maybe Eliot can retire to his old friend Bill’s house in Chappaqua until the heat dies down. While their wives are elsewhere, they can together search the Internet for hotties. Have a cigar.
Tell it like it is
Your superior correspondents’ newly minted Speak Truth to Power Award goes to Woonsocket Deputy Emergency Director Steve Preston.
“There’s nothing like the governor taking care of his boys,” Preston told the Other Paper, commenting on Governor Carcieri’s repositioning of the highly salaried Steve Kass, his communications whiz, as spokesman for the embattled state Emergency Management Agency. “A [public information officer] is going to make more than the executive director? Jesus Christ. Does the governor think the citizens of Rhode Island are that stupid? . . . This is just ridiculous.” Preston also gave up the love for National Guard adjutant General Robert “Colonel Bat Guano” Bray, who now heads up EMA.
While we are sad that our old pal Steve has become a flash point, we hope Mr. Preston is still receiving a paycheck following the publication of his utterly honest opinions, offered without concern for the outcome.
And hats off to Colonel Bat Guano for throwing more gas on the fire, albeit unintended, when he explained, “Certainly there will be some background [for Kass] — he’ll need to learn about what emergency management is.” Oh. That’s nice.
Have a Pernod and grapefruit on us, Mr. Preston.
The not so little dig
How can the Pew Center for the States’ Government Performance Project and Governing magazine rate Vo Dilun with a C-minus?
If they only had a survey for weirdest accents, or best state motto (“Whatta you, an asshole?”), we would be golden in the national eye.
And let’s just ignore how in the middle of a devastating budget crunch, we learn that the feds are demanding that the state pay back $3.1 million, because the Department of Transportation used substandard concrete on parts of the now-notorious Route 195 “I-way to Hell.” That can be chalked up to a concrete approval process so screwy it couldn’t pass the laugh test.
