The song remains the same

By AL DIAMON  |  September 17, 2009

As for gay marriage, we put that controversy to rest long ago by working out a compromise. We passed a law that said people of the same sex can marry in Maine, so long as one of the partners is on record as having voted against legalizing homosexual unions. Opponents figured that would effectively ban the practice, but failed to take into account the large number of repressed gay men and lesbians in their ranks. Today, we're a healthier state, psychologically, and inciters of homophobia can't appear in public without receiving marriage proposals.

The Green Independent Party took control of Portland's government in 2012, and after a series of pogroms to eliminate drinkers of bottled water, eaters of meat, users of fossil fuel, and anyone connected to a franchise business, the group succeeded in establishing a utopian community based on subsistence farming, methamphetamine production, and creating energy by burning the siding on your neighbor's house. It's actually not all that different from when the Democrats ran the city.

You're probably wondering what happened to some of the prominent people from your era.

Democrat John Baldacci completed his second term as governor, after which the grateful people of Maine took up a collection to have him stuffed and mounted in the state museum. He's next to the moose.

Democratic state Representative John Martin of Eagle Lake was euthanized by Obama's death panel after he took the term "budget battle" too literally. Martin employed gunfire to fend off critics who claimed he'd exerted undue influence in having the University of Southern Maine and Mount Katahdin relocated to his district.

In 2017, GOP US Senator Susan Collins finally took a position on health-care reform, a move so alien to her constitution that she spontaneously combusted. A nice same-sex couple in Portland is now using her to heat their home.

Who's the governor now? Gee, ever since the last newspaper went out of business in 2015, it's been tough to get that sort of information.

Beam your comments to me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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