This is what happens when you watch too may Steven Spielberg movies — or, rather, when you lie around the couch buck-naked, slather your whole rock-hard body with the Cream and the Clear, inject cutting agents into your buttocks and armpits, and thenwatch too many Steven Spielberg movies.
Disgraced ex-sprinter Tim (Baby Daddy) Montgomery, best known for siring a chemically enhanced love child with fallen juice princess Marion Jones, and for having once been (and technically remaining, although his records have been expunged) the world’s fastest man, was arrested last week in a complex and mildly ridiculous bank-fraud scheme that smacks comically of Leonardo DiCaprio’s mildly interesting Frank Abegnale role.
According to federal indictments, Montgomery helped a dumb-ass New York couple steal some $775,000 in altered or phony checks. The scheme allegedly worked as follows: a certain Douglas Shyne and Natasha Singh, who knew Montgomery through a mutual friend, opened up bank accounts in the names of sham businesses. They then obtained legitimate checks in small amounts from large corporations not likely to notice large debits and altered them so that they could be sent to their accounts in much larger amounts. Montgomery was chosen, presumably because he is famous and respectable, to deposit the amounts. The indictment charges that he received a $20,000 fee for his work.
Montgomery’s coach, former track medalist Steven Riddick, was also arrested. He has denied his involvement in the scheme, as has Montgomery.
In recent years, Montgomery separated from Jones and had his records wiped clean as a result of his involvement in the BALCO scandal. He is much shorter than Barry Bonds.
More savage lacrosse rampages
Another first: the coach of an obscure Southern collegiate lacrosse team has been fired after one of his players smashed the window of a security vehicle using a ... slingshot.
It’s really hard to say what to make of this latest lacrosse crime spree. It hints at a strangely effective PR campaign. First the Duke business, and now this: Chris Hasbrouk, coach of South Carolina’s Limestone College Saints, was let go last week in the wake of several clashes with the law on the part of his players. “This is just a total shock to me,” said Hasbrouk, who obviously hasn’t been reading the town police blotter.
Although details are sketchy, the precipitating incident involved 19-year-old Brock Spilker putting a sling stone through the window of a campus-security window. Spilker was arrested on multiple charges, and Hasbrouk was let go shortly thereafter.
Earlier, the lacrosse team had allegedly been involved in a campus fight in which it whipped the asses of the Limestone baseball team (with one baseball player getting seriously injured). Another lacrosse player was kicked off the team for an undisclosed incident.
If this keeps up, women and children will soon be locking their doors on days of lacrosse games. Incidentally, does Florida State have a team?
