But it turned out I was, and I just fell apart. I lost it. I didn't know what to do. I'd had a miscarriage and an abortion already, so if there was any way I could have this kid, I was going to have it. So I started researching. What can you possibly do if you're a heroin junkie and you're pregnant? What can you do?
So I went to Planned Parenthood and had a meeting with the people. Basically, what it boils down to is, what you have to do is either stay on a low dose of heroin, and then the baby's born addicted to junk and they get the baby onto methadone, or you get onto methadone, and the baby's born addicted to methadone. But that's worse, because methadone is harder to get off of than junk for the baby, so it's better to stay on the junk. That's what they're telling me. So I knew I couldn't have a baby addicted to heroin. That's just sick and wrong.
I don't know why I wanted the kid. I don't necessarily think abortion is immoral. I think it's a good thing it's there for people and everything, but I know how bad it fucked me up before. I'm not even a religious person, but I don't know, I just didn't want to do it. But it just came down to the fact that it was sick and wrong to do it.
And that's what I was telling Vivian and Branko that night. And the reason it took so long for me to get the abortion is because I was having all these financial difficulties because I couldn't work. There was just something . . . I couldn't work and be pregnant. It was just so wrong to me, even though I was like, Okay, I'm not keeping this kid, but I cannot be a pregnant person out working. It's just . . . it was too yuck, you know?
And I was telling them I was broke. And I don't know why Branko offered to lend me some money, except he's a nice guy and felt sorry for me. But I said, no way. I have this thing about owing anybody. Viv got mad at me for that. Maybe she got mad at him, too.
She's so obsessive. She thought I was manipulating Branko, like he didn't come from our world and he fell for my sob story. But I wasn't using him like a sucker. I was fucked up and just telling them both what happened that week. But Viv thinks women can manipulate guys to do anything, because they're stupid and think with their dicks.
She's probably right about their dicks, but I don't know about being so stupid. I mean, they have more money. So she got pissed, saying I was manipulating her boyfriend.
They fought all the time anyway.
I don't know. I kind of blame myself for some of their problems. She was cheating on him with me a little. And then she found my number, like on a matchbook or something at his house. That night I slipped him my number, put it in his coat pocket. He never called me. But she went off on us, saying that it was his kid. That he and I were doing all this shit behind her back, like we knew each other, which was totally crazy. I just met him that night. I'm not sure if it was a game or she was really that insecure. But it's usually the person doing all the accusing who's guilty, isn't it?