The Big Love Hurts: Valentine's Day press releases

Spoil the mood with terrible dates, familiar faces and sex toy surprises
By DAVID THORPE  |  February 5, 2013

biglovehurt
Valentine's Day brings an enormous opportunity to squeeze money from the most lucrative demographics: the frustrated, the clingy, the lonely, and the stalky. Every company in America knows it, even the shitty ones — especially the shitty ones — which makes February the bountiful harvest season for terrible press releases.

FINDYOURFACEMATE.COM(TM) REVEALS ITS FAVORITE POTENTIAL CELEBRITY COUPLES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

Find Your FaceMate (findyourfacemate.com), a free online dating website that helps singles find love based on similar facial features, is revealing its choice for best FaceMatched potential celebrity pairings — Hollywood's single A-listers who could have tremendous chemistry this Valentine's Day! Using facial recognition software to match couples, Find Your FaceMate's theory is supported by scientific research that proves that chemistry is often ignited when we spot someone whose facial features are similar to our own.

Okay, forget about the celeb couple thing they're drumming up for idiot press release pickup. Let's focus on the site's main idea — that if someone looks like you, you'll be drawn to them due to some kind of natural narcissistic chemistry (because: science). Here's an excerpt from FYFM's frequently hilarious blog:

Facial feature similarity is the flame that keeps the fires of passion burning. It is both the most ancient of instincts and the most revolutionary of ideas. Human evolution was accelerated by the invention and the use of tools. If we utilize this tool I believe we will be much better off in our relationships; with less heartache, less loneliness and less potential to wreak havoc on our families.

See? You will bring the fires of hell upon your family if you don't look enough like your partner. It is immediately apparent to the intelligent reader that this is definitely a science thing that makes sense, and not at all complete horseshit. But let's say you're not quite ready to put your trust in the most ingeniously devised matching system available to modern science. You can always wallow in the flirtatious possibilities of abject destitution:

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, 99 CENTS ONLY STORES® WILL HOLD ITS FIRST ANNUAL 99 SECOND SPEED DATING EVENT AT ITS HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA STORE

Nine lucky men and nine lucky women will have a special opportunity to find love on Valentine's Day. On Thursday, February 14, 2013 at 9 am, 99 Cents Only Stores will hold its first annual 99 Second Speed Dating Event!

Each couple will date for 99 seconds and then rotate until they have each dated one another for 99 seconds.

the-big-love-hurts

Alas, "we met at 99 Cents Only at a speed-dating event organized by 99 Cents Only on Valentine's Day" is not the most romantic dating origin story; furthermore, in the vast annals of eros, never before has a phrase as unromantic as "savings soul mate" been conceived. I couldn't beat it if I tried: discount bride. Frugal lust. White Castle date. Oh, speaking of which:

LOVE IS IN THE CASTLE THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

Love is in the air, as will be the aroma of onion-grilled sliders, as White Castle converts its restaurants across the country into " Love Castles " for Valentine's Day 2013. Lovers, both young and young at heart, are invited to spend a special evening at White Castle where dinner will feature table-side service and themed decorations.

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  Topics: Books , pop culture, The Big Hurt, Valentine's Day
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