"We love to offer an opportunity to create memorable moments on Valentine's Day for our Cravers and the people who love them," said Jamie Richardson, vice president at White Castle.
But weep not for the Cravers — nay, weep for the "people who love them." Think about that. Cravers and the people who love them. Seriously, put down the magazine for a minute, because I want you to let that crushing little romantic microfiction play out in your head. For sale: condoms, never worn.
So, now that you've taken your facially identical savings soulmate out for a steaming, Wimpy-style pyramid of tiny hamburgers, it's time to move things to the bedroom . . . the bedroom of sex intimacy. Standard Innovation Corporation, the brown-wrapper-named makers of a revolutionary couple-friendly sex gadget, have some ideas for a spicy gift:
THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, TAKE THE PAIN OUT OF SHOPPING & REPLACE IT WITH PLEASURE
This Valentine's Day, forget the traditional fare of chocolates and flowers, and go for an "O"-riginal gift — the We-Vibe 3™. You won't be the only one thinking that pleasure is the path to take. Nearly 23% of people in a recent survey confessed that they plan to surprise their partners with a sex toy for Valentine's Day.
Hold the phone: almost a quarter of everyone is buying their partner a sex thing? Am I just an out-of-touch square, or does that seem like an awfully large proportion of all practicing romantic partnerships? Maybe it's a trick of semantics. You'll notice they didn't say buy their partner a sex toy — they said surprise their partner with. So, if you add in the proportion of couples who simply plan to jerk back the curtain during their partner's shower and make a comical stabby motion with a dildo, maybe numbers add up.
Finally, for the sake of argument, let's assume you will be dumped because you're fundamentally unlovable. Also, you're slow-witted and emotionally stunted, so you have no idea why your partner broke it off — was it the sliders? The identical faces? The sex toy startle? Finally, there's a way to find out: with highly creepy social media navel gazing!
WOTWENTWRONG LAUNCHES 'IMPRESSIONS' — SOCIAL TIMELINES TO CROWDSOURCE DATING ADVICE AND RECORD RELATIONSHIP MILESTONES
WotWentWrong (www.wotwentwrong.com) launched today the first-ever social timeline for people to anonymously seek crowdsourced dating & relationship advice, record their relationship milestones, and follow other people's relationships.
Hailed as the "site to help soothe the sting of breakups," by the Wall Street Journal, WotWentWrong launched in January as a free website to help people who were "passively dumped" get explanations from their Exes, in order to learn from past dating experiences and move on. The site also aggregates an interactive, anonymous stats page, so people can see the Top Breakup Reasons & Methods, filterable by age, gender, relationship duration and region.
Here's a thought: if you're inclined to obsessively catalogue the minutiae of your failed relationship so Internet strangers can scrutinize it and offer insight as to what went terribly wrong, perhaps the problem is that you'reobviously a fucking crazy person.
>>DTHORPE@PHX.COM :: @ARR