DEVOUR ME LICKABLE OILS (3 FOR $15 | GOOD VIBRATIONS)
These puppies are definitely for the gourmands lookin' to get down. Billed as "natural, non-sticky, edible, non-staining and delicious," there's no hint of an astringent medical taste coating your mouth. These little bottles are sleek and classy, and look more like a line of perfume than something that needs to be stashed in a naughty bedside table drawer. The only ingredients are sweet almond oil and "other flavored oils", whatever that means, so head to the sexiest kitchen you know and get to it. Keep it to foreplay though, these don't play nice with latex. Our package featured crème brulée, pina colada, and strawberry kiss.
Cassie: These were probably the most culinary out of the whole smorgasbord, actually. The crème brulée flavor wasn't half-bad, although it tasted more like some sort of heady butterscotch confection to me. That being said, why wouldn't you just go for the real thing and get to spreadin' some Grade-A butterscotch if that's what you're after?
Alex: If you're going for the class and sophistication angle, these prettily packaged oils are the clear winner. (Sorry Anal Eaze.) You could keep them on your bedside table when Mom comes to visit and she'd likely mistake them for decorative scented candle oils. If by candle, of course, you mean crotch. Oh yes, and they're tasty, too. Could easily drizzle the crème brulée over pancakes in lieu of maple syrup.
Ariel: Wow, we finally found something sexy, safe for skin, AND edible! Strawberry kiss was a Lipsmacker throwback, and I'm not ashamed to admit I'd wear Piña Colada like perfume for an excuse to lick myself.
COMFORTABLY NUMB DEEP THROAT SPRAY - CHOCOLATE MINT ($10.99 | SWEET N' NASTY)
Is there a grosser concept than a binaca-like spray meant to deaden the nerve endings in your throat for optimum skull-fucking? No, there is not, and this is coming from the people who sampled cherry-flavored, butt-numbing Anal Eaze for this spread. Our intrepid reporters liked that the chocolate mint spray doubles as a breath freshener (you're going to need to freshen up a bit after choking on the full length of your partner's shaft all night) but were skeptical about its claim to "suppress the gag reflex." Points won for taste and versatility.
Cassie: I think we all agreed the point of this spray was creepier than it's taste. It was reminiscent of Listerine strips or mouth spray in its minty-ness, but I didn't get any hint of chocolate in there. But, that could have been because of my tongue slackening from numbness. It's a chicken-egg question really.
Alex: Just like a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, a spray of Comfortably Numb helps the dick go down? I'll never know because I'm way too skeeved by the concept. Not so disgusting as far as breath fresheners go, though.
Ariel: I'm most freaked out about the fact it looks like soy sauce and comes in a Chloraseptic bottle. If I ever found this in a dude's medicine cabinet, I wouldn't even lick just the tip.
EDIBLE LINGERIE MEN/WOMEN ($9.99 | SWEET-N-NASTY)
If you're going to go the edible underwear route, best stick with the candy thong. Eating one of these oddly fashioned pieces of sugar-based lingerie tasted marginally better than munching on a garbage bag. At first lick, the undies tasted a bit like a cherry-flavored fruit roll-up — not bad! — but within seconds your mouth is filled with a putrid aftertaste reminiscent of rubbing alcohol and shame. Both the candy panties and the candy man-thong were very delicate, the straps tear easily which makes the product as impractical as it is inedible. A helpful hint: if you're going to use these don't chew or bite the underwear, it's sticky as hell and you'll have thong stuck in your teeth for the rest of the day. That's awkward, like having lettuce in your teeth on a job interview. But, you know, a lot worse.
Cassie: I feel like these would be way more awesome, not to mention successful, if they were actually made from Fruit Roll-Ups and didn't just smell like them. My nose was like, "Alright, these don't seem half-bad! Sure they look like hot pink cellophane, but they smell like fruit gummies!" My mouth was like, "I should fire your ass."
Alex: Still thinking about the man thong. Were those candy....mud-flaps for the balls? Does one want to encase their testes in a candy sheath? How does that work? Why? WHY.
Ariel: I tried licking a bit of thong and sticking it to my hand. Adhered to my finger nails way too efficiently and left some seriously alarming residue. Suit up with these candy nut flaps and I'm afraid you'll be left peeling pink crap off your taint for days.