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An intimate guide to dining in — and eating out — this Valentine's Day

Erotic Potluck


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BJ BLAST POP ROCKS ($2.99 | SWEET N' NASTY)

Proceed with caution. Pop rocks for your genitals? Thanks, but no thanks. Listen, everyone likes to feel a certain tingle down there whilst getting busy, but shards of hard candy exploding like sugary shrapnel into the most delicate of our netheregions sounds more like a black ops exercise than foreplay. The average consumer must agree because, from the taste of it, BJ Blast doesn't move a whole lot of product. The pops and crackles fell flat and both the cherry and green-apple flavors (the latter was tastier) were definitely past their sell-by dates. There was also a fair bit of confusion as to how to properly apply the blast. We finally decided one is meant to coat the, er, area with the rocks as if breading a chicken cutlet. Lost your appetite yet?

Cassie: I love pop rocks. These are not, I repeat, not good pop rocks. First, they're curiously stale, so there's no real pop to them at all. Second, they're cut with sugar, so any and all flavor kind of limps around on your tongue pathetically. Fizzle rocks.
Alex: Wonder what happens if you mix these with Pepsi. Fairly sure Mikey would not like it.
Ariel: I tried coating my finger and sucking -- didn't break any skin or loose any blood, but this has reverse candy kidney stone written all over.


SPANISH FLY ($8.99 | SWEET-N-NASTY)

As far as supposed aphrodisiacs go, this one ranks high. Oysters are pricey, Cow Cod Soup is gross, and ambergris smells like poop. Not so sexy. Named for an exotic green beetle know to have aphrodisiac effects on the body when ingested, Spanish Fly has supposedly been consumed by the likes of Henry IV, Caesar's wife, and now, a few adventurous Phoenix staffers. The modern, "sinful cinnamon" flavored version comes in a small clear bottle and both looks and tastes a bit like maple syrup. It's delicious. After taking a couple of tentative swigs, our testers weren't humping desk chairs or fondling co-workers but we detected a slight bounce in their steps. Likely a placebo affect but hey, whatever works. Big points for being one of the few products for which we'd go back for seconds, it's seriously tasty.

Cassie: No, "Spanish Fly" does not sound sexy or appetizing. But this weird, purported aphrodisiac totally sold me. I think I'd rather lick this off of someone than the chocolate...ooh, maybe they'd be good mixed? Too messy? This was one of the only products that got me thinking of activities beyond washing my mouth out as soon as possible, and it's just sugar syrup with cinnamon flavoring. Old habits die hard.
Alex: Yum. This one kind of made me hungry for breakfast. And by breakfast I don't mean cock. We all agreed this stuff would be delicious drizzled across a bowl of oatmeal. Good morning, indeed.
Ariel: Yes, this is what I'd sneak into my man's oatmeal on a Monday morning to lock down a sexy day of playing hookie from work.


SLIQUID SWIRL LUBE ($14/FOUR-OUNCE BOTTLE, $1/5-ML SAMPLE | GOOD VIBRATIONS)

SLiquid's known for making chemical-free, natural lubricants fit for use by even the strictest environmentalist vegans (we discovered most lubes have an ingredient list longer than that of Linguica -- plus more chemicals). But finding a balance of flavor and functionality in a chem-free, eco-friendly sex lube proved a bigger challenge than pleasing a vegan in McDonalds. The winning flavored lube at our Erotic Potluck was Sliquid Swirl -- intensely fragrant but gentle in taste, available in green apple tart, cherry vanilla, and blue raspberry. Glycerin and paraben free, Sliquid may be the secret ingredient to inspire and aid in oral consumption of the meatiest body parts by even the strictest eaters.

Cassie: This stuff was actually fantastic. Nice, clean, tangy flavor with a super light viscosity. It kind of reminded me of those caramel apple pops from back in the day&ldots;after you worked through the caramel and got to the coveted sour apple center? That's what it tastes like. Plus, they're vegan! Win.
Alex: Not too slimy, not too goopy...makes for easy clean-up. I like my lube like I like my men....easy to get off when finished with....and green apple flavored. What?
Ariel: I keep a bottle next to my bed.

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