For Judges (brandeis)
Listen, we all got screwed by that asshole Madoff — not just you. And I’m going to miss the Rose Museum too if they wind up having to sell everything off, but my family has a series of Jasper Johns works that you can come and see any time you want. My point is this: you’re Jewish, and the type of guilt that suicide can manifest will haunt you well into the afterlife. You might as well be content with running the media and conspiring with deep, dark forces to rule the planet. Now let’s go watch the Celtics practice at the field house. My dad is buying a quarter of the team — I’ll get you season tickets for life.
For Jumbos (Tufts)
You’re being a bit presumptuous. I mean, I could understand if you were at MIT or Harvard, but Tufts is pretty manageable. You need to take a breather and remember that you get to go to school in the coolest hipster enclave outside of Boulder. You don’t see anybody killing themselves in Colorado, do you? Well — besides you know what. Anyhow . . . with the rate you’ve been going, constantly gorging at Redbones and getting sloshed at the Burren, you won’t be alive for too long anyway. How about we grab a couple brews at the Powderhouse? First round’s on me.
: Lifestyle Features
, Cornell University, Jasper Johns, MC Hammer, More