Hooray for students

Or, go out and bang a college kid tonight
By SLEEZY TREES  |  August 31, 2010

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Do me a favor: drive through Malden on a hot summer day and look around. Roll down your windows and drink in the scenery. Smell the air, study the landscape, let it all soak in. Study the face of the population: the mutants, the cripples, the heroin addicts, the inbred slack-jawed dregs that look like they seeped out of the Morlock caves. Do you like what you see?

That's a rhetorical question, the answer is no, and this is precisely why we must bend over and give thanks to the rhetorical Jesus that our fair city is injected every fall with a fresh influx of attractive human genome. If not for the Northeasterns and the BUs of our world pumping fresh-faced nubile co-eds into the streets, this place would be Chelsea with tall buildings. Face facts: townies are ugly. College offers all of us a buffet of fresh talent every year.

You're looking at a generation of hipster youth raised on YouTube and Facebook. Consider this: while we had to find a friend with HBO and stay up until 4 am just to catch a 20-second glimpse of Sharon Stone's titties in Sliver, these kids were watching "2 Girls 1 Cup" on repeat at 14 and sexting each other to reruns of Jackass.

The class of 2014 is about as apathetic to society as anything we've ever seen. These kids are the byproducts of the Bush-era fail parade. Used to be, college students didn't have their goals and dreams crushed until after graduation; now we've reached the point where they're giving up before they start. This is a very good thing for the rest of us, and here's why.

If you are over 28 and read the Phoenix, there is a high probability that you are a scumbag. (Apologies to the editors, but I doubt Johnny Morality is thumbing through these pages worried about Allston's rat problem or how bad-ass the Nite Jewel show at Great Scott was.) And for the majority of the practicing lowlifes festering around the outskirts of college campuses, proximity to the new crop of undergrads equals total sexual win. We are seasoned degenerates from an era of life experiences that they revel in under the banner of "retro." We grew up on ecstasy overdoses and N.W.A., for chrissakes, so don't tell me you can't use the force on these Farmville-playing impressionables. Go out and bang a college kid tonight. You can and you will.

Once you settle in their dorms, you'll see that our much loathed neighbors are good for more than just their largely STD-free crotches and cool Silly Band collections. Incoming freshmen in particular have something else that most adults only dream about: disposable income. Yes, these wet-behind-the-ears post-teens are dripping with Mommy and Daddy's salary. They are the reason that you roll out of bed and fall into a Boloco or an Apple Store instead of Sully's Roast Beef Stand and Mary Lou's; if they didn't spend what they have on shit they didn't need, we'd be stuck with AJ Wright and Family Dollar.

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