Holiday Gifts for People We Hate

When a lump of coal just won't do
By SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS  |  December 8, 2010


The North Pole has become the most depressing and perverted hole on Earth. We used to keep tabs on folks through snitches and grandparents, but these days — thanks to Facebook and flat screens — we can actually monitor everyone, everywhere. And it turns out, nobody deserves a damn thing. Santa knows when you've been sexting, and, we're sorry, but even your grandma has a YouPorn account. Ho! Ho! Ho!

As a result, standards have been dropped around here over the past few years. Everyone gets a gift now, no matter how many mentally retarded people they executed as the governor of Texas, or how many times they relapsed and drunk drove down Sunset.

So, we've decided to start shopping from the heart, and to put the pleasantries aside this year to let people know how we really feel about their irksome ways. We suggest you do the same, and to show you how it's done, here are a few of the contemptible fools we're currently shopping for. Remember: it's the thought that fucking counts.


Mr. and Mrs. Claus

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