The Neighborhood Drug Lord
Since all he does is smoke weed, watch movies, and play video games, your Neighborhood Drug Lord already has an intense high-def entertainment system with surround sound. He's also a king of media; you know not to call on Tuesday afternoons because he's at Best Buy copping DVDs on the day they get released. As for gadgets, homeboy has a new smartphone every time you see him, which is sort of depressing since you spend $100 a week on shit and still have a Motorola flip with a cracked screen.
Still, the Drug Lord is not difficult to shop for, since he's always looking to show off new and interesting pop-culture kitsch to customers. Just about anything that's Star Wars-, comic book-, or conspiracy-related will do, as will books and documentaries about drug culture and ill-gotten gains. If you do decide on a movie, though, just be sure that it's something you like, since he'll probably push you to watch it next time you swing by for a bag. And no matter what, don't buy him a scale — you'll just regret it when he uses it in front of you to weigh another gram you can't afford.
DESIGNER SURGICAL MASK | $1.49 FOR A BOX OF TEN | Drug lords always seems to be complaining about how about wired they get off coke fumes in the bagging process. You once suggested that he wear a surgical mask, only for him to snap back, "I'm not exactly mixing up a batch of meth in here." However, if adorned with a cool enough pattern, he may be persuaded to sport the protection he needs. You'll have to make this yourself, as there's not much of a marketplace for designer surgical masks — except in like, Japan, where they have shit like Hello Kitty on them. If you're really in the giving spirit, you can also throw in some latex gloves so his hands don't get icky while breaking up those sticky nuggets.
GOOD WOOD MEDALLION | $15 AND UP | Now would be the time to put your Drug Lord onto Good Wood. He likes being ahead of the curve, and by this time next year, every two-bit nick-bag street hustler will have a cobbled pot leaf or Tupac bust hanging from their necks. The New York–based wood jewelry company makes custom pieces but also offers a stock variety of such urban staples as a boombox, Polo bears, and angry Jesus Christ. For Drug Lord, we recommend the piece depicting the black Frank White himself, Biggie Smalls. Matching four-finger rings not included (but are available).
At Sneaker Junkies | 290 Thayer Street, Providence | 401.437.6997
15-POUND TURDUCKEN | $69.95 (PLUS $24-$55 SHIPPING) | If there's one thing the Drug Lord hates, it's leaving the house. For anything. He gets entire pizzas delivered for himself instead of walking for a slice, and one time, he gave someone a freebie just for fetching his mail at the curb. So imagine how excited he’ll be when the FedEx van rolls up with a 15-pound bird-inside-a-bird-inside-a-bird from the Louisiana Crawfish Co. Not only will the Jurassic turkey legs satisfy his self-styled kingpin image, but this is also good for you and anyone else who will be forced to stick around for some poultry and vaporizer hits.
CRUISE SHIP | $31 MILLION | After countless conversations with your local Drug Lord about how cool it would be to have a cruise line where everyone can just take drugs and fuck whores without fear of prosecution, you've decided to take the plunge and make his nihilistic dreams come true. Since new models are extremely pricey, the vintage yacht that caught our eye is a steel 1970 Finnish beauty with 538 cabins, a disco-casino, two swimming pools, and eight passenger decks. There's also a workout gym that he won't be needing, and which is perfect for the grow operation.
— Chris Faraone