SOMERVILLE The city adjacent to Boston and Cambridge was primarily a working-class enclave until assholes like me moved in and decided we wanted a place to spend $15 on Fluffernutter lattes and fair-trade scones. Still has some of its grit though, on account of — shit, what are they called again? Oh, right: the South American drug gangs. You won't die of boredom in lesbian- and frat-douche-friendly Davis Square, I suppose. You might die of knife-poisoning elsewhere, though.

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STATE STREET The gateway to the city's cavernous downtown financial district you have no reason to go near, but also a state of mind for those of you who are majoring in economics or business and plan on spending the rest of your twenties wearing one of those blue fleece vests and punching your bros in the nuts for being fags.

STUDENT LOANS Just a minor technicality that you should be able to pay off in no time, given that fancy new bachelor's in fine arts you just got. I wouldn't bother paying them for another couple years if I were you.

SOUTHIE This is the neighborhood people in the rest of the country are talking about when they're talking about Boston: provincial, violent, racist, and segregated.

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