TECHNOLOGY Aside from drunk Catholics, disenfranchised minorities, and swarms of hipster pussies, the other thing we've got a lot of in Boston and Cambridge is fucking nerds, all of whom go to Harvard or MIT or one of the 50 other colleges around here. You probably know this firsthand. After most of you nerds graduate, you go to work for one of the many evil-scientist technology labs scattered around Kendall Square (don't bother going if you don't have to), where they perform biological experiments on babies and try to invent time machines.

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THE T A cute little subway system that stops running at like 4:30 in the afternoon, which means everyone who goes out to the bars has to drive. Moral of the story: don't be on the road after last call.

TED KENNEDY The late senator from Massachusetts was beloved for decades because he didn't think poor people should be legally compelled to die, which is what passes for a radical left-wing agenda in this awful country now. Bostonians also loved him because we all have the same giant pumpkin head and red gin-blossom face he popularized.

TUFTS One of the most expensive schools in the country, for some reason no one can really explain. It's located in Medford, which is where you're going to move if you're still here by age 30 and have given up on having fun.

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