B is for Beacon Hill 

BEANTOWN Do people call it "Beantown" in whatever weird state you're from? Because no one here does. Unless you're being ironic — and then you know how that goes: starts out as a joke, then turns into the way you actually talk. Whoops. So I guess I was lying, we do call it that. Hip-hop heads call it Beantown a lot, too, now that I think of it, but pretty much the only thing they have to rap about besides their own personal name is the name of place they live. Anyway, bonus history lesson: back in the day, we used to eat a lot of beans with molasses here, and there was this thing known as the triangular trade system. Slaves in the Caribbean harvested sugar cane, which was sent to Boston and turned into rum. The rum was sent to Africa to buy slaves to send to the Caribbean. That means everyone who drinks rum is racist.

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BOSTON BRUINS The favored sports team of guys with goatees who wear cargo shorts in the winter.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY You probably go here! The luxury high-rise dorms are nicer than the palaces of some Saudi princes. Hell, those princes probably go here, so you can ask them yourself.

BOSTON COLLEGE The safety school for white kids from Connecticut who are pretty sure Jesus would have totally ripped bong hits and played corn-hole if he was kicking it at this tailgate.

BANK OF AMERICA Not just a convenient means of withdrawing your parents' money. If you pass one, it's an easy shorthand for knowing when you've covered a span of one city block. Whichever one you go to used to be the most amazing bar or rock club or hamburger joint of all time. Grab the first old person you see and they'll talk at you about it for an hour.

BEACON HILL Home to the State House, tons of overpriced brownstones you'll never get inside, and the historic neighborhood that invented the concept of the snooty, entitled Boston prick.

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