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C is for Celtics

THE CELTICS Pay close enough attention and you'll probably find that the guy named Steve-o who's punching you in the tits outside the bar right now is wearing a Celtics jersey. It's actually our local basketball team, famous for its lengthy history of NBA championships and equally lengthy history of being the adopted bandwagon team of insecure white guys all over the country.

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CENTRAL SQUARE Cambridge is Boston's Brooklyn. Central Square is Boston's Brooklyn's Williamsburg. It's a great place to see a band or DJ, or get knifed by an insane person.

CATHOLIC CHURCH A prominent group of real-estate speculators and pedophiles. Also the answer to the question, "Why are people from Boston so angry all the time?"

CHARLES STREET One of the ritziest streets in the city, it's renowned for its high-end antiquing — think about that one for a second — gourmet groceries, art galleries, and cute little cafes so precious you could snap them in half with an ill-timed boner.

COOLIDGE CORNER Largely Jewish (am I allowed to use that word?) neighborhood, home to old people, and, like, a vibrator factory or something. Also has a movie theater you'll probably end up at one night trying to impress some loser from your film-studies class.

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