Welcome back. You are living amid the great unwashed and you can’t breathe, let alone breathe heavily.
It’s late, you’ve brought a special someone home with you, and you’re halfway out of your clothes and halfway into your bottom bunk when you hear it: your roommate. It hangs over the top bunk and howls, or maybe it snores, (what’s that smell?) and then it vomits over the starboard. Bottom line: dorm-room digs are not conducive to sex, any sort of sex at all — even with your roommate.
So, what now? Celibacy is an option … not really. This city is a college town and sex is there to be had all over campus. So take a study break and pore over this guide to the top 10 places to get laid outside the bunk-bed barracks.
The On-Air Booth
A Northeastern senior, class of ’07, and former host of student station WRBB’s Halfway to China tells us his favorite band is Blink 182, his favorite song is “Anthem,” and to have sex in the on-air booth you’ll need to swing open the music cabinet so that it blocks the window into the student union. The former broadcaster uses the word “crafty” and tells us to stay off the board, unless you’re down with open-mic sex. And here’s another tip: the louder the music the louder the bang session. We can’t hear you.
We spoke with two Harvard alums, class of ’05, about sex in the stacks. We learned that Widener Library is big and that it’s hot, or something like that. That “the senior-week schedule will screw you” because the library is closed. And that last spring semester, the Harvard Crimson ran a story headlined unprotected stacks, about a horny freshman’s solicitous Craigslist post. Whether on the roof of Tisch at Tufts — a senior, class of ’07, “would love to”) — or in the Mugar third-floor men’s room at BU, sex in the library is the undersexed scholar’s study break.
Take the “Sex in the Library Test” on OKCupid.com, a site programmed by Harvard math grads, read some Boink or H Bomb, and then consider banging by the books.
Violations of Boston College’s “Safety and Security Policies” include: unlit candles, unlit incense, used incense, burning candles, burnt wicks, and halogen lights. Sex with unlit amber incense sticks, hot wax, or 600 watts of electricity will therefore cost you $200.
However, nowhere in the “Office of Residential Life Mandates” does it forbid sex in showers. Apparently the ResLife office assumes slippery, plastic-curtain-tugging, shower-stall sex is the epitome of fire safety. Of course, if you forget your shower shoes you could fall and crack your head open. That would be bad, but cheaper than the $200 fine and, again, it’s perfectly legal.
The Study Lounge
Some study lounges have couches and some study lounges have doors, though they usually don’t lock. The study lounge is the collegiate version of the family den. And as plaid or paisley as it sounds, there was a lot of sex to be had on the old family sofa. Of course, the study lounge should be reserved for late late-night sex — and good sex, too. Mom and dad won’t walk in on you, though your RA might.