But maybe you’re not entirely sure of your dog’s luxury needs, of whether Muffin really wants a pink Burberry trench coat or a doghouse modeled after a French chateau? Don’t fret. A pet psychic just might help you sleep at night, you pretentious asshole. For a mere $60 for a half-hour session, clairvoyants like Susan Deren will peer into your pet’s soul and read it like a large-print children’s book. “Depending on what’s going on with the animal, I make a judgment call as to how much they need,” says Deren, who over the phone sounds like a drag queen from Astoria. She retrieves “physical and emotional information” about her clients (i.e., your spoiled brat of a dog) and helps owners understand what their dog really, truly wants.
Is it really, truly, about what the dog wants, though? All of this spoiling and coddling and drooling over creatures that, well, drool? Isn’t it more about what we want, we pet owners, because we’re not satisfied just showcasing our own obnoxiously expensive wardrobe and designer sunglasses the size of a centerfold’s tits? We use our dogs as mannequins, as conduits for our money to flap in the breeze. And why stop at outfits and bedding and beer? Why not dog facials? Pomegranate dog-tinis? Forget leashes, what about dog Segues, so our doggies don’t have to overexert their poor little doggie legs?
“[Pampering] is more about the pet owner’s vanity, their need to be surrounded by designer labels,” says Rich, “Dogs want to spend time with and bond with their owners. They don’t care what you’re doing. As long as they’re getting interaction with people and potentially other dogs, they’re happy.”
Hear that, yuppies? Save your money and give your dog what it really wants; a belly scratch. The occasional scrap of meat. A walk that’s more substantial than a 15-minute poop scoop. You can use the money you’ve saved to buy yourself something pretty.
: Lifestyle Features
, Culture and Lifestyle, PETA, Dogs, More