MIDWAY CAFE Legendary and awesome venue that preserves some of the anarchic fun that has always marked the Boston music scene. Respeck.
MILKY WAY Bowling, a killer lounge, and live-band karaoke (get your Rick Astley on!). What more do you want?
CANTAB LOUNGE The real thing! What the world was like before appletinis. Get thee there now before the gentrifiers swoop in.
CENTRAL SQUARE Last bastion of authenticity in Cambridge. Let’s not let the jerks fuck it up, all right? (To be fair, it’s still kind of stuck somewhere in the 1980s, but we’re not complaining.)
FINAL CLUBS Semi-secret Harvard frats for rich dickheads and the women amused by their Gatsbyesque antics. A cross between The DaVinci Code and Gonzo Gangbang 18. Just don’t.
HARVARD SQUARE Refers both to a place and a supremely unhip type of person.
INMAN SQUARE Place full of restaurants and bars where something always seems to be about to happen, yet never does.
MIT They used to make bathtub Ecstasy here in 1981. 1981 E, mother-fuckers! Who knows what synthetic high these geeks are into we’re not gonna hear about until 2015!?!
MOUNT AUBURN CEMETERY Tip a 40 for Longfellow!
THE CELLAR Sanctuary for tired cartoonists. Come buy us a beer.
THE COOP This is where out-of-towners buy all those HARVARD sweat-shirts. They also sell Harvard baby clothes, in case you wanna give your child ulcers from a very young age.
THE MIDDLE EAST Pair of rock clubs. Ground zero for Boston music. May the spirit of Mark Sandman be with you.
THE MILLION YEAR PICNIC They carry pretty much every comic book worth owning. By the way, never say “graphic novel” — cartoonists made that shit up to fool the New York Times and Barnes & Noble.
Neighborhood where people move to not finish their dissertations or novels.
COURTSIDE LOUNGE Best karaoke in Boston! Come see drunk human-resource managers grooving to “Black Velvet” and “I Touch Myself,” while B-School jocks confess that once upon a time they were falling in love but now they’re fucking falling apart.
DAVIS SQUARE The “hippest place to live in the US,” said the Utne Reader. Ten years ago.
DIESEL CAFE If lesbians were this efficient in all walks of life, we’d all be ruled by a master race of cool, hyper-caffeinated power dykes. Which might not be a bad thing.
TUFTS UNIVERSITY See: “BU.”
UNION SQUARE Portuguese spoken here. Secret spot for fabulous cheap eats.
DORCHESTER And the T goes on, on and on and on, and eventually you land in the magical land of Dot (that’s what the natives call it, apparently), Boston’s largest neighborhood, and one of its least visited. That’s too bad: if you manage to leave aside your middle-class paranoia, there’s lots to explore, such as thriving Vietnamese and Cape Verdean communities (and restaurants!), and a gigantic public park with a full-size golf course in it. Bonus attraction: the Wahlberg Family Library and Birthplace.
EAST BOSTON (A/K/A EASTIE) The place you stumble upon when you get off the wrong ramp at Logan. Relax: attempting to roll up the windows while stepping on the gas and trying to decipher your MapQuest printout makes you look like the scared fool you are.