MISSION HILL People put a lot of furniture out before school begins. This is how you furnish your room for free! (Warning: Benny the Bedbug sez: “Don’t pick up mattresses, though. Me and my buddies hang out there and we’d luuuuuurve to get a ride in your crotch!”)

NORTH END Though Hanover Street is like EPCOT Center’s version of an Italian-American neighborhood circa Goodfellas, the phantom of gen-trification lurks everywhere. Go get a proper espresso before all bases are belong to Starbucks.

ROXBURY All that crap you wrote on the college/grad-school application about your open-mindedness and love for diversity is about to get tested IRL. Good luck.

SOUTH BOSTON (A/K/A SOUTHIE) St. Patrick’s Day Parade, y’all! “A family event,” if your family is a bunch of white college underclassmen into novelty beer. (Which it might very well be, for all we know. Like we said, we don't judge.)

SOUTH END The few. The proud. The affluent. The gay. Like other Bostonians, South Enders also think that A-Rod sucks, but their visuals are oh so much more vivid!

THE HUB Locals haven’t called Boston “the Hub” for decades, if not centuries. (It’s still arguable that our lovely provincial hellhole was ever the center of anything). For kicks, let’s start the rumor that the actual Hub is a landmark somewhere between Roxbury and Dorchester, and see what happens!

MASS TRANSIT
DUCK TOUR Throw rocks at them. Everything the tour guide says is a lie.

66 BUS Someone missed a six there.

THE T What we call the subway. It used to be easy to ride once you fig-ured out the arcane meaning of “Inbound” and “Outbound,” but then a sick sadist came up with the nefarious Charlie machines. Kick one for good luck.

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